I Feel Stuck.

I hate admitting it’s my fault but I guess it is. I’m sure all you have felt like your past won’t leave you alone or is constantly repeating itself and making itself present once again. What do you do when that happens, when you’re not even trying to do it.

Alright, maybe I am but that’s only because I am scared for what’s coming. There’s not much I see in front of me and there’s a lot behind me. A lot of things that are unresolved and that I don’t want to let go off until they resolve or at least go away on it’s own. I was never good with letting go of something or someone I once truly loved. I’m not talking about necassarily ex boyfriends here, but I guess romance has an impact on all of it.
I like to think of myself as a hopeless romantic and without love or at least someone I love or used to love being in my life, I feel like I’m half empty. Like, it’s my duty to fill that whole. I have no clue in hell where did my last YEAR of single hood go. What did I do?

I don’t like to admit to myself that I do want love and I do want to have those butterflies and stay up late at night thinking and day dream of everything that can happen. Have the bright hopes and goofy smiles feeling there’s no care in the world. At least that’s how falling in love feels for me. The whole world shines when you’re in love and evey love songs makes sense. I do want to move forward but with the elements that stayed in my past.
How do you cope with that?

I can’t move. My past holds me, draws me back and pulls even though I don’t turn my head, not once. But I know why it’s doing that and I know why my heart allows it. But I also know in my mind that I can’t look back so much, because it’s not past of a few months gone away. It’s at least two years which can never return. That’s not healthy to hold onto and I realize this, but the resentment I have for myself and the world most of the time, just doesn’t let me move. It honestly scares me from time to time because I’m going back to phases.
It would be a phase now of something that was once a real issue. It’s frightening because I don’t know how to deal with it.

The worst of it is, it’s changing me. Not knowing how to  deal with my resentment and emptiness, is making me shut down. Lose compassion or the wish for interaction with other people. I can actually feel my heart shutting down my emotions.
You know something’s wrong when eating, drinking (not in an alcoholic sense, I don’t do that), even hanging out with your friends isn’t working. Hobbies don’t interest me, music makes no real sense.
Especially not love songs. Most of the times I can’t truly understand them. Today, I had a throw back on one of Selena’s songs, one of which I completely forgot about and that was ”Sick of you”. The first song in awhile that has made me feel something. Not sure what it was because I’m not mad at anyone, I’m not sick of anyone and I’m not cool with laying low and it doesn’t feel great to let go of anything. But it felt like if there is even a cm of my body that feels that way, but I’m in denial about it, it loosened it up. Some of the resentment but it was not nearly enough. We’re talking a split second.

Many have told me that I am just bored and don’t know what to do with my life. I am bored, I am excruciatingly bored. But you’re missunderstanding my boredom.
I’m not bored because I have nothing to do, I have plenty to do, but nothing of it satisfies me. In my head, that makes sense. My head is way too puzzled to re-think said statement and see if it makes sense.
Boredom can be cured but it’s a short term life. Go bungee jumping, come back and say you’re bored again. Go sky diving, finish and say you’re bored again. It’s not that kind of boredom. I’m bored of myself, my life. Seriously.

My silver lining is Sims. Praise Jesus for it. I can’t wait till I come home from school tomorrow. I have a good few hours before dad comes back home from work and cements his butt on his chair until he has to go to work again. Or pee.

Even if I did get a chance ot move forward with someone, someone else let’s say that, it’s still incredibly scary because again. My heart wants elements FROM my past, not the present. The present sucks garbage bags, like a vacuum.

I probably shouldn’t be writing this at 0:43 when I need to get up in five hours but it’s what kept me up. I will go sleep and I love you if you read till this line.
I just wish that the lines:
After a hurricane, comes a rainbow.

• There’s light at the end of the tunnel
• There’s light at the end of the tunnel.

And all of that sentimental **** is true.

Hah, see? That slipped under the tips of my fingers on its own. I swear.