Let’s Jump To 2017, Please

I’m an over thinker and I realize this, I accept it, and so do people around me. The day that you, my fellow reader will be celebrating Christmas is in four days and New years is in 10 days. I’m not feeling the joy for either of them.

I don’t know what’s happening with me this year, I don’t know why so much cynicism and almost hate towards the holidays this year. I did not like 2015, I can most honestly say it has been the most sarcastic and uneventful  year of my life and frankly, with the most shocks. In the shortest amount of time I got more shocking and heartbreaking news than in the past 3 years and it’s been constant stress over and over. I think the biggest shock of all was about two months ago, when I heard that my aunt found out she has breast cancer. The first in the family.
That was definitely a big frown upon my family. Luckily everything that was needed to know, was known in time and from that side, everything is okay, which is amazing. She’s going to be okay and she has to be okay. All of the odds are on her side.

But none the less, shocks like this and in a few other forms are enough to break ones spirit. I am spending New Years eve alone, depending on my dad’s work schedule. I want to say that doesn’t bother me because it’s almost my own fault.

I rejected my friend who invited me to celebrate with her, I rejected a few other people that have asked me because I don’t feel like celebrating. I don’t feel like being with people at all. I’m not saying I regret it all that much. If I wanted to have friends around I had more than enough options, but I don’t know. My sadness over being alone doesn’t overflow the uncomfortable, uneasy and dislike feeling of actually accepting and being with people.

I already see the upcoming year and it makes me cry, if that makes any sense to say. I am crying. I just want time to stop and let me be for awhile. I feel way too much pressure. If I honestly could move right now, be with the one man I love who’s far away and  even stay at home all the time I would.

Next year brings even more pressure I truly, honestly don’t want to face, because I’m scared. I don’t want to finish this school year in July, because in September I’ll be a Senior. I’ll be turning 18 in April, which is the legal age of being an adult, I don’t want that. I don’t understand the fascination of growing up, unless you’re in perfect or amazing conditions. There’s more things I can’t mention that scare me by the thought and haunt me at night, so much I end up crying and regretting waking up. That day I wake up, I’m just another day closer to facing it all.

I know that’s a part of growing up and I know it’s supposed to be scary. Everyone goes through it, but damn, that doesn’t make it easier. Sometimes I feel like It’s a bigger problem in my head than what I am projecting to anyone else. Like it’s worse for me in my head than everybody thinks.

I didn’t mean for this post to end so sadly. I was going to end it with a positive message to leave all your negative energy and have a good time at the holidays, because these only happen once a year. But my thoughts drifted I guess.

I hope there’s someone who can tell me what I could do to put my mind at ease, because my hair’s fallin’ out from this stress.

How are you guys spending Christmas and New Years eve? I truly hope with a lot of joy and happiness. Happy Monday to you all!

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The Versatile Blogger Award

versatilebloggeraward

I was extremely shocked when I read that I was nominated for this, because I certainly don’t deserve any type of award right now. But thanks to the awesome Curious Queendom, I have been nominated and a huge thanks I might add, she made my day brighter.

I don’t know much of her blog, she isn’t someone I actually followed but right after I finish this post, I’ll get myself to checking out everything!

As any award, there are rules you follow and you name them first:
❄ Thank the person who nominated you and link back to their blog
❄Nominate at least 15 blogs of your choice, if you can.
❄ Link your nominees and let them know of your nomination.
❄ Share 7 facts about yourself

Now, I won’t be able to nominate 15 bloggers, I apologize for that truly, but as Curious Queendom stated in her post regarding the award, I’m still trying to catch up to everything and everyone and get back in the game. I saw some bloggers have deleted their blogs that I would normally nominate, while I was away so I still need to scout around. I’ll leave this blog award for anyone that reads and is a “fan” of my content and wishes to state 7 facts about themselves. Just let me know if you do end up accepting it!

The 7 facts about me are:

I am not a fan of the cold. I don’t like winter and gloomy, gray weather. Every year I struggle with mood changes as soon as winter comes knocking and it makes me more sad and less positive about anything I do. I like snow, I love when snowflakes fall and turn my city into a white wonderland, but if only they were warm.

I never wear nor need foundation. Not particularly something I am proud off exactly, but I am fortunate enough not too need to wear it ever. I have amazing, clear skin, and I hardly ever ever break out. I don’t ever really wear make up at all, 85% I’m without it, but if I do, I make my eyes pop out with mascara and an eye pencil and you can hardly tell I am not wearing any coverage on my face.

I love acrylic nails. I just do. I have them done right now, have an appointment to do them again next weekend.

I am terrible at saving money. I am not frugal. As long as I have money, I would spend it. I’m sure this will change when I start earning my own money, but the good thing is people around me are good at it. I leave my money with them.

My worst fear is getting ill. Getting  deadly ill, being sick, diseases, hospitals, surgeries. Fever and cough, sure. Anything else? No.

I absolutely love the Agatha Cristie’s Poirot series, all of the episodes. I love Poirot, I love her books.

Last but not least, I’m afraid of all bugs. All, bugs. Lady bugs are not cute bugs, they’re bugs. They have pretty wings and they poop and then die. Up close they’re hairy bugs.

Thank you for reading! ❤

 

 

A Realization And A Confession.

It’ll be long, I’m so sorry. But try.

I wanna share something with you guys. A flaw of mine that doesn’t truly show unless I speak out on it. Now bear with me that I am awfully bad at explaining what I am feeling. Probably shouldn’t have started a blog with that being an itch, but what are you gonna do. I still like to try.

People change and that’s, for the most part a good thing. We can’t stay the same forever. And people change their mind about certain people, certain things, certain views, certain choices, what is right and what is wrong. 

People dislike other people. (No kidding.) We feel annoyed with some individuals, they don’t suit us and we don’t like them in our presence and therefore, we are bound to immediately dislike something that they have done or said, even though we don’t necessarily speak out against it when it’s done by another person’s hand. Come on, we all do this at least with one person in our life. 
We don’t care if what they said or did is completely fine or innocent, the fact that it’s that person, it’s just annoying as hell. 

People like other people. (Wow. Ground breaking stuff here.) Be it your normal average neighbor or your female/male celebrity idol. We learn from them, we look up to them, we respect them, we like them as a person, we applaud them because they most likely have a similar character or an opinion to ours and we like it and every nice thing you can think off.

People who above all want and value justice.  

Now combine these three. Try to combine these three emotions and one factoid and address it to one person, and please come up with a name for the new made emotion you are feeling. Because I don’t know what it is.

Let me make this a little bit clearer if I can. I have this, I’m guessing it’s a flaw of mine. It’s not a sign of maturity or immaturity, it’s how I am and how I’ve always been. I like to think I am a righteous person. I definitely hate and despise injustice in any shape of form. In many cases it’s invincible but if it’s vincible, I would love to conquer.
I’ll give a really basic and teenager-like example (but it stands for every bit of injustice you can think off);
You have the courage to open your mouth and judge that girl that is known to be promiscuous and a little bit more outgoing, friendly and camera-friendly on Facebook, you leave hate comments saying how it’s distasteful and judge every decision she’s ever made and interfere in her life that you know 5% about. Okay. 

You do something that you thought was going to be fun, and it ended up having a lot of hate, like the IceBucket Challenge that so many people used and abused. Even though the cause got a lot of publicity from it, but nonetheless. It got a lot of hate and you decide to post a status with the following: 
”When are people gonna stop meddling into other people’s lives?! Leave me alone and grow up, mind your own business. I do what I want, and you shouldn’t care! Grow up and mature up, it’s MY LIFE”. 

You don’t say? Now you’re smart and mature enough to realize everybody lives their own lives and makes their own decisions. Sometimes bad, sometimes good, but you do it. When it’s you, damn. But when it’s her, what?
What she is doing is REALLY distasteful, unlike you? Why do you care? ”You shouldn’t care, grow up and mature up, it’s HER LIFE”. No?

I think you get the point. But this is where my confession and realization comes in. This is where my post “Calm the F down with your confidence” comes in.

While I ”live” for justice, I live disliking overcompensated confidence and proudness, but as well as unnecessary hate towards people and their appearance and decisions. In my case, this is oh so more complicated and messy than it really is.

I gave up on trying to explain exactly how I am feeling, so let me try to show you through another example

This is where I get nervous.
I used to love Taylor Swift. (doesn’t have to be famous) I thought she was beautiful, talented and just over all good and nice. Like many celebrities, they all need to change, grow and mature, they’re human beings just like us. They do it in their own pace and that’s fine.
She changed and for the most part, I didn’t like it. To me, Taylor Swift is way too too too. Everything she does, in my eyes it looks so, pretentious. I think it has something to do with my previous post. To me, she is someone that can’t take a joke, she looks as if she is way too proud and every look of her’s, I get the vibe that she is looking everyone from above. To me, her ‘niceness’ is definitely overcompensating for something. I ended up disliking her very much.

That covers first, people change. 

While I do dislike her and yet I am a strong believer in the ability to keep your mouth shut even though you don’t like something on someone. But because it’s her and because I feel this way about her, everything she says and does- even though Selena Gomez could say and do the exact same thing I would be fine with it- something about it is covered up. That’s how I feel at least. And because she does annoy me and irritate me, I get that hypocritical urge and just splat out what I am saying even though I know it’s completely immature and irrational because it doesn’t have to be anything.

BUT! Even disliking the person, a comment such as “She’s fat ugly and stupid, she gained a little weight and now looks hideous”, will make me defend her. The comment is universally bad and would be mean to be said to anyone.

That’s disliking people.

The line between hate and love is thin. It goes from hate to love and love to hate. Like in so many cases, pretentious confidence usually get’s shattered when something heart breaking happens. I think Selena Gomez passed this very stage, with and after Justin. At that point, this very selfish side of me is almost glad because I proved my point that was in my head. And I’m happy about it for a second. Usually this is where people make changes and suddenly sympathize with everything and everyone. (This’ll never happen with Taylor I bet you everything). That annoys me at times but if I like it and if I agree with it, I have no problem standing up for it.

This is bad. To me, this is not a very good thing. Then, because this someone made this tiny transition that I AGREE with I have this click in my mind to defend this person if someone else feel’s like offending the transition.

Are you starting to see what I mean? Big respect if you’ve made it this far.
Now that I have wrote it like this, I feel hopeful that many other people go through this, but rarely who actually writes it down or admits it. It’s rather selfish, yet caring and considerate at the same time.

I don’t like someone for something that I think is a good reason, and something shatters that segment, it’s almost like they’ve learned their lesson and now I’m fine with it and only now can I defend that person. She seems a bit brighter in my eyes and only then can I give honest respect for something they do, even if it means bouncing back a little bit.

Am I making this out to be a bigger ”issue” than it is? It’s just interesting and it’s been on my mind. I’m nervous to actually hit PUBLISH but everyone has bugs in their undies. Right?

The Upcoming End of Two And A Half Men. (Rant Alert)

Can you even formulate it like that? Upcoming end? I think you can, sounds almost right. Sigh. I am a little nervous at the moment. Actually I’m very nervous. One thought is consuming my mind for days now, over and over.

I am not, and I have never been a crazed fan for anything. I don’t do those typical things that fans do in order to show love and support.
If it’s a signer involved, I do not make T-shirts with their name on them and put #1 fan. I won’t sleep the night before a concert outside of the arena. I won’t tweet them over a thousand times or even comment on their photos. Even though, I can promise I adore this person, they’re such an inspiration to me and I may even cry- I may even cry for them or for something they’ve said or something that happened but you know, I was never crazy in said senses.
To not go on and on for every profession, I just don’t do certain things.

My love for shows, singers, actors and whatever it may be is very silent and almost unnoticeable. It’s just there and it exists and it just floats in the air in massive amounts. I have a very obsessive personality over things I like and exclusively over things that I like.

Sigh. I am so bummed. Two and a half men is, it, to me. I love the show so passionately, so genuinely and loyally. I was incredibly late to the party. The girl already jumped out of the cake and everyone’s had a piece. Two and a half men, or any show for that matter wasn’t a part of my childhood. Like so many have those significant shows that mark a time of their childhood. Memories of watching that specific show as a little kid, with their family. So many include Friends and other family shows. Not one show marks my childhood. Cartoon Network which is/was a channel on TV marked mine and by the way, drove my mother mad. It’s pretty hilarious. She was absolutely sick of it, it was non stop.

But none the less, it was instant love when I did come across Two and a half men. I am so scared you guys. At the very end of season 11, the last episode basically Alan (Jon Cryer) being dumped and left on his wedding with Gretchen for her ex, leaving him heart broken and confused. At the very end of the episode, Alan and Walden sit down on the couch, along with Walden’s freshly made robot, and they make plans of making a guy’s night every Thursday where they just sit around, chill and talk. And Walden refers to it as Two and a half men’s night. (the half being the robot) I thought that was the end.

Strangely enough, I thought that was the way they wanted to end it, not knowing they were cooking season 12. At that moment, it didn’t strike me hard. I loved that episode and in the moment, I was just happy and positive. It was a great run, I’m glad I got to experience it. And of course, when I heard that season 12 was already aired mind you, and when I opened the first episode up, I was screaming the entire time. I was incredibly happy.

As far as I’m concerned, the show can last forever. There is no way to end a billionaire’s and a mooch’s life story together, until one of them dies. Most likely, it would be Walden. But now I know it’s the end. Now I am aware it’s the final season and that scares me.

I don’t want it to end. I am so in love with this show. I have fallen in love with all of the characters, in the story, even though it had a big big transition after season eight. I feel like it’s a part of my teenage years. It’s not my childhood but to me, it’s just as meaningful. I can’t explain it. I want to meaningfully rant on my love for it and why it is what it is, but I don’t have the words. How do you explain such love for fictional characters and a story that’ll most likely never happen in real life.

The last episode was shot on Friday, and now fans are just awaiting. Man, it would’ve been a dream come true to once experience sitting in the live studio audience and seeing them on set, making mistakes and make the show to what’s it’s become.
It honestly annoys me so bad when people call it just a stupid, meaningless, bachelor show that exploits women and sex. Two and a half men isn’t and never was known for treating things tastefully to an extent, why is it so awful. Fans like me who fall in love and really dig deep into the story and plot, there’s so much more, so many signs and looks that really say a lot without saying a word.

Season 12 is up to it’s 13th episode, which was awesome of course, and the last 3 remain.  I feel like so many people would describe their ending of Friends. Friends was a show that was aired before I was born and ended when I was 6. People born in the mid 90′ probably felt like a big ongoing part of their childhood is ending, and I feel like, something wonderful I love that always made me happy is going to end.

It sounds so dramatic, I know it’s a show but I’m sad alright? I think it’s not that weird. People cry over their singing idol’s new haircut. I’m sad over something that makes me genuinely happy is ending. I already have all 12 seasons I think on every single device I have in my house. I can always come back and I do. I play Two and a half men and do my thing and enjoy their voices in the background. But I know that pretty soon I won’t be able to stock up on more and more of that joy. Pretty soon it’ll stop and I’ll have 12 seasons and 262 episodes to look back too-which is marvelous, but why not 462?

Yeah I know. It would bore many people. Everyone has to have an ending. If Harry Potter went on forever, people would lose interest. But it’s my show. It wouldn’t bore me. Don’t I count for something? No? Okay…

Straight Up Happiness? I Think Laughter.

I’m a cynic, but I can say this;

Happiness is the key to life? No. I don’t like that phrase. I’d much rather look at it like this; Happiness is a way of life. You ‘choose’ to be happy if possible. The key of life is to live it how you want to live it, if you can.

Laughter is the key to happiness? Yes. You don’t have to be happy to laugh. But you become happy when you do laugh.

Laugh and you’ll be happy, and everything that comes with it.

Being Alone On New Year’s

It’s not that sad of a thought as you’d think. I mean it is sad, it’s a special occasion. Actually holiday. Ocassions are like birthdays and all that. But l was alone on New Year’s last year as well. Though that didn’t end well. It ended in me crying so that’s not the best example. I guess it is a sad thing, isn’t it?

But, that’s what you get when you have a douchey scheduled working father like I. For ages he has been working for Christmas and New Years. Very rarely is he free and physically with me. Maybe twice, the year before the last and sometimes, years and years ago. About two to three times in maybe 7 years. I really don’t want to do the math. You’d think that saddens me. That fact that I’m not with my dad on a special holiday like that but that’s not it. I mean it does, it used to sting so bad when I was younger. What bother’s me most of the time is that if I’m not with him, for the past 4 years, I have nowhere else to go.

It’s a 6 year ”tradition” that I spend Christmas with my mother no matter what my dad has planned for both holidays, but she and I never spend New Years together. Simply because, till about 4 years ago, I always spent it with my aunt and little sister who’s one year younger than me and it would be a party. Many people would come that we have known our entire lives. It’s mostly our brother’s friends. We have a very big ‘family’. When life got rough for them in so many ways, parties were not acceptable and not affortable. Throughout that time mom would spend New Years with my grandma, her mom who she lives with, and they’d go to their senior parties and shannagons. Don’t let the sounding of it fool you, they had a blast every time.

But then my mom found a man, her current boyfriend and like so, she is spending yet another year with him. Which is great to be honest, I wouldn’t want to attend either way. That’s just awkward. It’s a romantic holiday for couples. Anyway, my mind’s stirring.

This post is turning out a lot more freely and chill than I expected. I was first doom and gloom about the whole thing but I’ll make the best of it. Seems like I’ll be spending New Year’s eve alone in my house. But that’s okay, i’ll make it a good time.

I say that now and let’s bet I’ll fall asleep right before midnight. Oh my goodness, I hate firecrackers. I just remembered I won’t be able to sleep from those. One of the curses of living in the center of the city, where everyone likes to be and where there are most people during the entire day. Mew. I’m scared of them. It’s not natural for things to blow up. Plus it’s dangerous. And it’s not fun.

Fireworks! Now there’s a thing that’s amusing when it blows. And they are safe, far away from you. They’re different colors and can form different shapes in the air. Now that’s a party!

Anyways, I hope you guys are going to have a lot more fun and exciting night on the 31st than me. Tomorrow winter break is starting for me and ending on the 20th of January. I am so freaking excited! I’ll have time to read a book!

Have a good one!

What I Consider To Be Good Quotes.

Ever since I posted my previous blogpost about my cats and added a couple of quotes, I can’t stop thinking about quotes in general. I am probably the most cynical person when it comes to quotes, especially life related ones.

”The most important thing is to enjoy your life – to be happy – it’s all that matters” – Audrey Hepburn 
”Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale” – Hans Christian Andresen 
”Life is short, make it worthwhile”, ”You only live once, be thankful, choose to be happy”, ”Life is a choice” and so on and so forth.

While I am not in the place to disagree because I have no valid arguement as to why I would, but I don’t like being reminded of these things, nor do I find them helpful. If anything, they piss me off and annoy me. Some people get inspired, I get gloom and doom because those types of quotes mean nothing to me. They have absolutely no background, no insight to anything. Generalized statements.
Generalized in the sense that, they make it seem like it’s easy and they make it seem like it’s possible for everyone if they truly try and want it to work. Like failing means you didn’t want it or didn’t try hard enough. I am in the minority of people that takes the word ”Everyone” and ”Anyone” very seriously. Everyone means the entire globe. We don’t know the entire globe. We don’t know what happens behind everyone’s closed doors. I don’t want to list all of the horrible possiblities that can occur in one’s life because the list is endless. Exactly because of that.
Being happy, being thankful, turning over a new page, not caring what other’s think of you, concentrating on the little things in life is not Always possible. But that’s me.

I over think everything. I’m sorry that almost all of my posts have that depressing, controversial twist but those are the things I think about frequently and that I care about. If I don’t explain myself, I feel like I gave people more space for ignorance to creep in.

Strangely enough I find Albert Einstein’s quotes to be quite funny and interesting. And very relatable. Many other great minds of course. I have actually started a ”Quote wall” in my bedroom. I have two Kitty stickers, my ultimate favorite date penciled in (17.03.12) right in the middle of a heart floating above them, and sticky note’s all around of quotes I relate too.

Relatable quotes. Insightful quotes. Quotes that may teach you something or enlighten you about something in a simple sentence. That may give you an insight on yourself, your character, your flaw even. That may expand your mind. That may actually help you if you’re feeling upset, lost with yourself and like you have none of the answers, but so many questions. You read a quote such as:

”The world is a dangerous place to live; not because of the people who are evil, but because of the people who don’t do anything about it”

from Albert Einstein himself and you, or at least me, start thinking more deeply about that statement. I start re-living past situations in my mind where I’ve seen injustice being passed, lies and judgement and I did nothing about it, even though I speak against it. I re-live situations where I passed judgement and injustice on someone else. It makes me motivated. I start realizing things about myself and through over-thinking it, I always find new and more appropriate ways to express my concerns or opinions. It makes me motivated to say, ”This is true. I do have this flaw. Hm, next time something like this comes long, I’m going to think of this”. Improving yourself and teaching yourself how to think.

That’s how my mind works  Not one hundred percent of the time and it doesn’t always work but baby steps. I try to train my brain to work like that. It’s a system that helps, and I want it to work.

”A person who never made a mistake, never tried anything new” – Albert 

It’s okay to make a mistake. It’s okay to fail, and it’s okay to learn from it.

”The only source of knowledge is experience” – Albert 

Exactly.

It doesn’t always have to be something insightful about life or your character, or even you. The quote can relate too anything I am interested in. Anything I wish to learn more about. Animals is one subject I am passionate about and stand by a lot of quotes. SO MANY.

The ignorance and greed many humans allow themselves when it comes to animals is despicable. We at least have a voice and use it to our own advantage. If animals could be given a voice for a day, humanity would be ashamed.

”We destroy life and we pollute the oceans and skies, yet we have the audacity to call ourselves superior beings” – Anthony Douglas Williams

”There are other spiritual beings on earth other than human beings” – Anthony Douglas Williams 

Each and every animals on earth has as much right to be here as you and me” – Anthony Douglas Williams 

The man explained it in three sentences that no one can deny.

I know I’m not the only one, but I know I’m not the majority of people who found this to be much more helpful and educational than any quote of happiness and life I could find on the internet.
Sure, these types of quotes are big amounts of food for thought and all people want sometimes is momentary positivity but personally, means nothing when I know it’ll pass.

”We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when we created them” – Albert Einstein.