The Fault In Our Stars

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I got this little piece of joy just two days ago, when a package was delieved from Sweden. I can’t describe all the feelings I felt finally getting it. For some reason, my heart has been longing for this book. I got it home on Thursday night, started reading and It’s sufficient to say that I finished it last night. I couldn’t put it down.
I really want to make this text seem so intellectual and nicely-put but, one of those things where I am, more or less speechless. There’s so many things I would like to say that only make sense in my head.

The book is brilliant. It’s not what I expected but it’s briliant. I don’t feel like it’s a typical romance, cliche type book where two teens fall in love and love conquers all. Absolutely not. Love was the least I saw in this book. I saw intelligence, courage, humour, all bonded together through their love. Half way through, I’ve heard people say they feel like it’s meh, not too thrilling or exciting and it kind off isn’t. There’s not much action but it wasn’t a problem for me. I loved it.
It is so hard to write anything without any spoilers but I have to say to people who have the possibility of reading the book first, I would advise you to read the book first.

The ending of the book is infuriating for me in the best way. I’ll just say that through the entire book, one book in particular was mentioned that Hazel and (by her recommendation) Augustus loved. An Imperial Affliction. I felt as though, The Fault In Our Stars ended the same way. Not mid sentence, but with the same kind of questioning Hazel had. Like a cliff-hanger that I don’t tolerate because I want TO KNOW, I want answers to questions that might not be real. It’s not fair.
And It’s needless to say I did cry. Not hysterically, but I did.

I watched the movie as soon as I read the book and I kinda regreted that decision. I should’ve let my feelings and impressions that it left on me sink it a little bit.
In any case, the movie was good. I like that they stuck with the book and 99% of what was written down in the book was their script. A few changes here and there, like their age. I heard that Hazel was supposed to be 15, Augustus 16. In the book Hazel is 16, Gus is 17. In the movie, Hazel is 17, Gus is 18.
It’s not the most romantic movie in the world, most tragic, filled with affection but it was a heart breaking, oh so funny, insightful story.
The most heart-breaking thing for me is the story itself. These kind of things happen and cancer itself is not fair, by a second. It scares me honestly.

I am still under impressions and it’s really hard to talk about it because my mind drifts off to another type of discussion and that is cancer itself and illness. But that’s not my place and this text is not about that. Bottom line is; I asbolutely loved it, enjoyed it, I laughed, I cried, I learned.
I recommend it but if you can, READ THE BOOK FIRST. 🙂

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My Dream Pet

Guuuuys. I’ve spent the last hour watching videos and reating people’s comments on many questions related to cats and pictures and it just made me feel so great! There’s something about cats that makes me extremely happy. I cannot express the love I have for them and to all animals in general, but cats I feel are my soul-mates. In some weird way, hehe.
I knoow this may sound VERY STUPID but honestly, I respect cats so much and understand them.

I find a cat the animal, most alike to a human being. People who don’t like cats either don’t like them because they’ve had one or two bad experiences with some wild cat, or even a domestic cat that wasn’t raised properly. And therefore, blackened all cats for their lifetime. Eh, that’s a real shame. Most (specifically) cat haters would come to my house, either shoo my cats away from them (where I get pissed), or are afraid of them. And all of them, of course, never held a baby kitten in their hands. It’s the most magical thing, like a mom holding her new born child. ^_^ Something so precious and pure. All of them walked out liking cats, or atleast having a more open mind about them.

They are my everything. If I had to choose any pet in the world, I would choose an animal in the cat family. If possible, I’d just choose which exactly. Oi.
I love tigers, white tigers, I love panther’s (oh my god, the scariest but most majestic and powerful cat {◕ ◡ ◕} ), puma’s, lynx’s, cheetahs, leopards,snow leopards, servals! You get the point…

I think I named all of them hahah.

Of course, my inital response would be, give me a baby of any of these and make my dreams come true. I cannot decide between them, even though, for the longest time, I have found cheetah’s to be my favorite. Aside from a cougar/puma, it has the most domestic cat-like face. I know I would be able to raise them right if I had a big enough house and funds, but I don’t. It would probably eat me. ;-; So I’m aiming for something less extravagant.

My dream cat would be a savannah cat. Kalel & Anthony have two savannah cats and I fell in love with them. A Savannah cat is basically a hybrid cat breed. It is a cross, a mixture if you will, between a serval and a domestic cat. Serval cats are 100% wild and are illegal to have as pets in many countries.

A Savannah cat is larger than an average domestic cat. They’re very slim, their build is like that so they more appear larger, in no matters of their weight. And because of this! They tend to get very long and they can jump really high. Their jump can go over 2,5meters. Reminds me a lot of cheetahs. Plus, they have stripes as well as cheetahs. And they have extremely big ears. Hehehe.
They are known and compared to be like dogs for their loyalty. They follow their owners like canines. Because of this, they can actually be trained to walk on a leash or even fetch, I read. Isn’t that amazing?
Imagine taking a cat for a walk. Most badass feeling for me! I’d prance around along with my kitty!

They can be very social and are known to LOVE water. Savannah cats can shower with their owners, and often like to ”attack” water with their paws. ^_^ They still have to be raised with great care and patience and observance because they DO have some wild instics inside them. They can get very agressive, especially if they’re not friendly and social. Their growls and hisses are not to be taken lightly.

But it’s my flipping dream cat! It’s so beautiful!

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Guys.. There is one fear I have. I fear that if my dream comes true, and I do get these babies, I swear I would kill it accidentally, somewhere between cuddling it. I would strangle it out of love.  Looooooooooooook!

 

Praise Jesus.

*before starting randomly checks youtube* . . . Pewdiepie: (video) ”The Walking Dead: Season 2: Episode 5 – Part 1 – THE BEGINNING OF THE END IS HERE!!!” . . . YESSSS! *postpones writing*. . . I love EVERYTHING The Walking Dead by the way. ❤

Okay, I’m back now. That was inteeense. But that’s not what this post is about, I wanna share with you guys some very happy news for myself. . . You might know what’s coming but I FLIPPING PASSED. Oh thank the rainbows and leprechauns on the other side. It wasn’t AT ALL bad as I thought it was going to be. But still, you have that conscious somewhere, that it just MIGHT be bad.

I woke up at 5 flipping in the morning, because of my mom’s boyfriend. We needed to head off for the car that early. On the way I know I had to eat something, because I was feeling sick as soon as I opened my eyes. Stess-sick, not sick sick. I did, the yogurt served me well. It was reallly refreshing.
My exam was starting at 9 and I was at my school by eight. Wasn’t planned, but mom’s boyfriend underestimated his own car and the distance in between. I waited a good 25 minutes before David came. From then on, it was smooth and fun, until 9:05. Heh…

But, it’s all good! It was quick, I knew everything she gave me. I was in there for about five minutes, she saw I knew, told me to get out and wait until everyone finished. My head teacher came out, ”You all passed”. W/o!

Honestly, I did feel happy but I am so drained from the stress that right now, I feel nothing. Why am I so complicated. Can’t I just enjoy success.
But really, this exam was stressing me pretty much all summer, because just knowing that failing leads to failing my goddamn year. Come on? It’s stressful.
Now, I’m just kind off. I’m good, no studying, I can just re-wind and not give a cupcake for the next week.

Can I share a secret with you guys? I’m kinda excited though. You know the beginning of the school year, new pencils, new notebooks, new books, new everything. That positive thinking, gonna start studying from the beginning! Won’t let my mistakes repeat. I TRULY WON’T, but I can’t wait to get around buying all the thingies. Feels good.
Ah… Bought a new Nike backpack as  well. Its BRIGHT pink, almost fluorescent pink, but Nike is a sports label, so its good! Ah, I’m just kinda tired and I honestly feel like sleeping for a 100 years and having someone kiss me awake. Mmmm

Scared & Nervous

You know those godawful and gut-wrenching feelings your body develops, a night before something big is supposed to happen? God, someone give me stress pills.

I am so nervous you guys. Tomorrow I have an exam I have to take in Physics. I know you’re like, but it’s still summer break? What exam, school is over?! What are you talking about?!
Well, Serbia is weird. Not only do we have to enroll (Is that the right word? I feel like you use that for college references) each year into the school if you wanna keep going, (You can just not enroll even if you passed and not continue your education) but you have to take an exam before you do. If you fail, you failed your year. WHAT THE CUPCAKES IS THAT?

My school is a Chemistry school, if you can call it just like that. I wouldn’t know the true translation anyway, tell no one. But, naturally, my universal classes are Chemistry duh, Physics, Mathematics and Biology… Biology and Chemistry are eezy peezy! But my brain does not compute Physics. Math I can handle but it’s really really hard still. I know Z is reading this and probably rolling her eyes at me, but I have no problem with tutoring! I swear! I need it. ;-; Both Physics and Math.

Physics, I know it’s logical and it’s basically the world around me but something about it, turns my brain into a twister of hell. Mainly the tasks. Ugh… but guess what?
Physics is my exam, TOMORROW. At 9am.
My mom’s boyfriend is getting his car he bought tomorrow morning at seven flipping thirty, we get the car by eight, and we’re off straight to my school.
Of course I studied. Right now, I know EVERYTHING. But you know that nervous block, five minutes before? Sweet baby jesus.

Thankfully, I won’t be alone. My friend David is going to be there, he promised. He’s the only one that can calm me and he’s going to wait outside until I get out. He can make me laugh and just, make me feel safer about the moment I walk through the door. I’ll take that, I’m happy about that. Only a few other students were schedule tomorrow, so I guess I’ll have them too but they’ll be just as nervous as me. Uuuuuuuuuuuugh.

I’m fine… I’ll be fine. I’m going there to PASS. That’s my attitude. Now someone back me up, so I can believe it.

Rant About Felix… Down Memory Lane

Ah, memories… Don’t you just love them?
I haven to admit I’ve been cheating on my blog with my fancy brand new notebook I bought a week ago or so. It’s so lovely, and spacious and big, I felt more like writing in it. But I’m jumping back on the train, I promise!

I’m sure you all use YouTube, you all know the stars, but do you know THE ”star”? I think you all know who I’m talking about. No…? Pft, everyone knows PewDiePie. Even if you don’t like Pewds, you know about Pewds, ’cause everyone knows about Pewds, how can you not know about Pewds? Hehe.
Yes! I love him. I feel like there’s not many gamers here as my audience or any for that matter. I myself am not a gamer, but you don’t have to be too love Felix.

I found out about Felix over 3 flipping years ago, Summer 2011. I still remember all of it like it was yesterday. I know that my boyfriend at that time, had his YouTube paired with Facebook so any video he commented on or liked or favorited, would show up on his timeline. One day, a video called “Penumbra: Black Plague NEW ZOMBIE part 7”, popped up with the quotes of some time-stamp and “HELLOOOOOOOOO? AAAAAAAAAAAAA!”. Supposedly a jump-scare.
I was curious and checked that specific moment out and of course, everyone’s initial response is, “What…”. Buuuuuuuuuuuuut, the guy who screams like a girl is awfully cute bro! I wasn’t really interested in the game nor did I know of it at all, but I just wanted to see that cute face blab on and on and genitals and hear him squeal.
Honestly, it seemed stupid but I came to find out, it was a blessing in disguise.

I started getting into it and found myself checking every few hours to see if he had posted something else, spend all of my time re-watching some older videos he had up. Soon enough, I was hooked. In August, August 13th to be exact, his first forum came out, pewdiepie.de and there… My life changed. Let’s not get into that, that just might be another post! That’d be one emotional and personal blogpost right there… I don’t know, I’m intrigued now. I just may write it but with a different goal. Not to exclusively describe what happened but the ending result.

I don’t wanna get into the fact that yes he has changed his content a little bit and his attitude, but the more you grow. Plus, he’s still the SAME guy he always was. He may have traded a few horror games for a few Barbie, Pee-simulator, stupid f-ing Flappy bird but he’s still. the same. guy.
I don’t know how Felix seems to people, but to me, he seems like the most introverted, shy, calm, sophisticated guy privately. His video CERTAINLY don’t show this, but when you just look at his smile, you can’t not smile back. :3
He looks like a good guy. He didn’t become this stuck up jerk with a stick up his booty, he doesn’t expect people to bow down to him just because he has 30 million subscribers. To me, it seems like he finds his subscribers as regular people he is able to entertain and put a smile on.

He should never have a beard though… It may just be my disliking of facial hair, but in my opinion, his beard makes him look at least 5 years older. He either has perfectly tucked-in-place hair or it’s completely messy and sloppy, and so his beard gives out a messy and sloppy look. Like never takes care of himself. I don’t even like scruff. 5′ o clock shadows. No. Not my preference.

A beard hides Felix’s amazing skin. With his sloppy hair & beard, his sparkling and pretty eyes are in the shadows and hidden as well. His smile. Basically everything. He doesn’t look like a 20+ old guy, looks like he’s in his early 30’s. Some find that hot and that’s perfectly great, your preference but I don’t like it.

This video, THIS;

In this video his face shines through the entire room. His skin, his eyes POP. His smile is gorgeous. His face lines, do you see those? Sexy and handsome.  *This is not fangirling, just describing beauty* 
All of this, HIDDEN underneath a beard. Why? Seems like a waste…

Where is this post going? Err… I guess I am just happy where PewDiePie has gotten me. I’ve met some amazing people along the way, and till this day, of course, I am a loyal bro.
I’m actually one of the oldest. There are bro’s who were there all from his Call of Duty videos, I was a bro from Penumbra Black Plague, but still. My anniversary is April 4th.
Btw… I’m really good with dates. :3
Just a random rant… I love Felix

Injustice.

You’re kidding me right?

This post will purely be out of anger and my own thoughts. I hate the idea of someone getting offended by this, considering their own views but these are mine. I’m sorry if you do, but to me this is not acceptable.
I am reading, more and more often, almost everywhere I look, statuses and posts and articles about suicide and self-pity and guilt. And all of the little things that come in between. Why is it so fucking bad to feel bad? Explain it to me.

I’ve seen so many wonderful people here on WordPress whose posts are deep and so heartfelt they’re beautiful . Whether they’re discussing something good and happy that’s happening in their life or something bad they’re going through and things that are troubling them. I see so many people in the comments who understand, who support and write about the same things. Everyone’s free to say what they want, express how they feel.
Why can I not surround myself with people like this? I can’t say, I have a couple and I know that’s better than nothing, but the bigger amount always over-rules to an extend.

I mentioned in a previous post, how I agree that suicide is selfish. Let’s put a stop to speculations about that, it is.
But how in the right mind, do people change and flip for a 360, even when they’ve been through that, ”I am not fucking suicidal. That shit is stupid as hell, fuck no. People who think of that are idiots, all selfish idiots who care and whine for nothing but themselves”.

…. YOU WERE THAT SAME PERSON ONCE.
How in the name of Jesus and all that is holy, explain.
I understand realizations, I understand growing up, I understand maturing up. I don’t understand becoming an asshole and judging so rudely something you once thought was the death of you.. I’m sorry if you’ve ever insulted someone who was suicidal and came to you for help, and you feel offended by me saying that, but you’re being rude if you do that.

I can wrap the thought of you not understanding what someone is going through that is suicidal around my mind, I can understand that people don’t like to dig deeper in the subject with someone if they don’t know what to say that would help – that’s actually good.
But how, you’ve been through it, you know how hard it is, you know what kind of pain it is, how can you kick someone who’s already laying down on the ground?

Don’t people think of how they’d feel if the same thing was happening to them anymore?
While a person was going through the same troubles, I am 100% sure that person wouldn’t have liked to hear that they need to chill, relax, ”get their heads out of their ass” and see the world as it is. That’s some of the comments I got, just a few days ago. No, that person wouldn’t have liked it nor would they consider it as a sign of help or honesty.
I’m not saying that hearing someone’s live story over and over and over can’t ever be frustrating, because in truth, I’m sure you have your own troubles, but there’s a polite way to let someone know, you’re happy to hear them out, but that you can’t entirely help them.
It may be just me and this behavior is natural and I am just naive or too good to believe this is normal, but if I am, prove me wrong, please.

Just because an individual realized that suicide was not the answer, found a brighter light for himself, opened up another door, that individual is supposed to judge every single person who may feel the same as he once did? Why? Just because he knows it’s not as bad as someone going through it says?
He doesn’t need the self-pity, that annoys him? He got over it, so can another?
And all of this needs to be said in the most awful manner, doesn’t it?
One hell of an unfair person that is. Injustice.

And of course, the FAMOUS phrase of all time, ”I’m just being honest.”.

There is a fine line between honesty and compassion & plain meanness and viciousness, absolutely no care for the feelings of others.

Their Words are Just Whispers and Lies That I’ll Never Believe

I wanna share with you guys a song, that… Helps me. I’ve known the songs for years and years now. I first heard it in an animated movie called ”Treasure Planet”. If you haven’t watched the movie, it’s really nice, I would recommend it. The movie is from 2002, and I’ve never taken the time to actually type out who sings the song.

I’m still here (Jim’s theme) – Treasure Planet

I find the song absolutely beautiful. I listen to it every time injustice is put upon me. Every time someone accuses me of something that’s not true, and just because they don’t know me very well. Or because someone tells me I changed for the worst, but when only I realized some things just don’t work and don’t put them into action anymore. Or the opposite. When people tell me I don’t change at all, how I’m always the same. When people judge me for little things or mistakes I’ve made recently, like they consume my entire life and character. Like I’ve never done anything good before those little mistakes.
People don’t know themselves what they want from you sometimes.
When I get disappointed in something or someone and try my best but somehow, people don’t ever understand what I’m truly trying to say or show.
It’s one of those songs I used to fall asleep too crying at night. And when I would wake up, I’d feel refreshed. Like someone took all of my bandages and cleaned everything.
The world seal into my soul, with every verse. It motivates me and gives me hope, right now as I’m writing this. ❤

I am a question to the world, not an answer to be heard,
or a moment that’s held in your arms.
And what do you think you’d ever say, I won’t listen anyway.
You don’t know me and I’ll never be what you want me to be.”.

And how can the world want me to change?
They’re the ones that stay the same.
They can’t see me but I’m still here.
They can’t tell me who to be, ’cause I’m not what they see.
And the world is still sleeping while I keep on dreaming for me.
And their words are just whispers and lies that I’ll never believe‘.

I’m the one ’cause I’m still here. (: