Feelings Suck.

I love this so much. I can relate to it in every possible sense but at the moment it is hurting me to even think about it.

All those thoughts and hopes I talked about in very late 2014/very early 2015 just might shatter and be left to nothing. My year has definitely not been going the way it was planned. I can’t say it’s been worse, but nothing good I was hoping for happened either. And it’s been killing me the past few weeks.

I’m at that point in a relationship with someone (not a romantic relationship, but a relation with romantic feelings) where I’m thinking about the well being of that person 90% more than the well being of myself. I don’t want to think about me, I want to think about him and what’s best for him. I’m at that point where I’m realizing that everything I have experienced with this person, and all the love I feel for him and have felt throughout these past 3 years is enough for me to hold onto as a memory if the day should come I need to let go completely. And I feel like that day is approaching very fast.
I’m at that point where you love someone way too much to keep them for your own selfish reasons if staying isn’t doing any good for them and whereyou actually feel you could accept it, for the possible well being of that person.

He’s very far away from me and that distance means nothing to us, compared to how we feel in our hearts. Sadly, the distance means very much to our seperate lives that keep going seperate ways. It’s breaking my heart because it is not a black and white situation. Nor are we throwing in the towel at the first bump. The struggle’s have been going on for the past year and a half and it’s becoming extremely hard for him. Not because we are impatient or just don’t want to hurt anymore, but because it’s becoming impossible to maintain anything with the schedule’s he has that he by the way hates.

Nothing’s been said yet exclusively, but I feel it coming. It’s that feeling when you know, but you avoid actually saying it our loud. You delay the pain of saying it out loud. No decision has been made so far, but with any, I know that what I feel is strong enough to let myself be happy as long as he’s happy. Damn, that is so hard to say. It’s so hard to comprihend. Should a ”split up” happen, I know that it can’t in any way be better than where we are now, but we’re both thinking for the long run. Some things are just becoming neccessary and important but undoable with us still standing in this one spot. More for him than for me but it’s enough.

I cried every day the past week, thinking it over and over and if we’ll make a mistake by pulling the final straw. I don’t like to listen to things like ”There will always be another guy”, ”Life is trial and error”, ”Some things are just not meant to last”, ”Not all the people in your life are meant to stay”. No. I don’t want none of that from my friends.

I don’t know what I want to hear but it’s not that. That’s a crock off b/ icing on an already over-flowing cake. No one needs to hear that while going through it. I want to listen to sad songs I can relate too while I stuff vanilla ice cream down my throat and appreciate everything that has happened and that I got to experience something like I had, but still cry because that person meant too much. And I want hugs. That’s it.

Now I’ll go, before I start crying again. I would never wish a heart like mine upon someone, not in this state. It’s horrible. I wish that upon no one.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ij_0p_6qTss The future that we hold is so unclear…

16 thoughts on “Feelings Suck.

  1. I can’t say I can relate but I’ve always thought that, people who have a close friendship/relationship can still maintain it somehow.. I think that, even if you aren’t in contact as often, you two could still work out in the future. It’s just one of those things that, I guess, hurts now but it’s nice that you’re taking his feelings into consideration -that goes a long way. Sorry for the long comment but I honestly think it will work out the way it should (:

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No don’t worry about the length of your comment ever! Thank you and I almost feel the same. I feel like letting go for a little bit is going to lead me to an even closer reunion in the future, but that just may be my wishful thinking.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello! im Sean! personally, id choose to cut ties before agreeing to pursue a long distance relationship because if it were to be, nobody would have moved. Not saying that you still cant contact the person and still be interested in there personal lives and Maybe down the future still keep contact and start dating again or something. At a point in my life where I tried a long distance relationship, i ended it hours later because of the thought of both of us not living in the present. You are being very unselfish, using your mind power on someone else other than yourself. You give that person your blessings or curses, whatever it is your thinking about of that person instead of yourself. however much that person lets you in their life decides how much of your blessings or curses will go through to them. Relationships are a two way street. if your partner wont except your energy or is draining yours, its time to dip. The grieving period is important but realizing everything is going to be ok is way more important. time to think 100% of your own well being because its best here to remember that everything is going to be alright. its the best place mentally to think of why your emotions are still flowing strong for that person. At that mental state, your answers to your questions about why your feeling those ways will be more true to your self because your mental power is focused on yourself. So yah, i just wanted to thank you for following and i threw in my 2 cents hoping its useful to you =/ hope everything goes the way thats best for yah!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your comment! This already was a very long long-distance relationship, that has gotten into a few bumps that life throws at you and eventually, it started to crumble without our ”permission”. Now it’s a matter of will it have to crumble completely, or not. I think that’s the best way to put it without giving you 3-years worth of explaining.

      Like

      1. oh ok! love is some shit. lol. theres always good shit and bad shit. 3 years comes with a bunch of lessons that could be learned. your probably growing so much more as a person by going through something like this. best of luck and only my best wishes to your current situation.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. On point! Distance means nothing when someone means everything. I can definitely relate. Keep strong, communicate as much as possible whether it’s phone calls, Skype or the good ol’ skool way of sending writing and sending letters 🙂 and… virtual online HUGS 😀 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hang in there! Love is complicated, and I am actually trying to sort out my feelings towards someone at this moment as well. But I have confidence that you’ll get through it, just as how I will. Stay strong!

    Like

  5. I understand this feeling completely. I love someone who is far away too, someone whom I haven’t seen for 9 months and whom I haven’t even been in contact with since September. Someone whom I love so much that I know I have to let them go because trying to keep them in my life would only be selfish. I wish I could tell you it will get easier, that it will all go away. Maybe it will one day, but it will take a hell of a lot of time. For the time being, just know that there are people out there who are supporting you and have your back. Feelings do suck. But at least you have them. In my optimism, I try to tell myself that just having these feelings is important and remarkable and special…even if they don’t amount to anything. I don’t know if that helps at all, but it works a bit for me…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Honestly, what helps me is the thought that I was able to love and keep my feelings pure and real for such a long time. Both sides did that and I feel like that’s special in it’s own form. I feel like, it’s ending, but it’s so worth the pain.
      Especially in my case it will take a lot of time to heal, but I find comfort in the fact that it happened and lasted for so long. I don’t know why, but I feel like that’s saying something about me and just how worthy and wonderful it all was.

      Liked by 1 person

I'd love to hear what you have to say!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s