Don’t Run Away From Your Problems, Solve Them.

I spent the morning crying. For the past five days I have really enlarged my “quote wall” I talked about a long time ago on here. I felt like I needed it and even though I don’t necessarily like these types of quotes, this one speaks out to me because it sinks courage into me. It’s real.

Just because you ran away from your problem, doesn’t mean the problem is gone. It’s still there, waiting. You’ve just distanced yourself from it. Eventually it’ll catch up to bite you in the reer, because it was left unresolved. Basically like F’s and bad grades in school. It’s something I’m trying to follow to ease my head.

Along with my all time favorite quote;

It’s not my definite favorite but it’s definitely in the top five. I need this as a framed picture in my house. I am a very compassionate person that tries to satisfy everyone that matter to me, even if it means letting myself go for a little while. It goes out of hand, but some people are worth it. Sometimes it get’s confusing and in all honestly tiering, but I have a big conscience that makes everything harder and more painful.

These two together, they kind of crash heads, but I need them in my head 24/7 in order to make decisions. To be brave enough to do something I am afraid too, yet to think wisely about what that truly is and what is the true problem at hand.
Because they need to resolved


Feelings Suck.

I love this so much. I can relate to it in every possible sense but at the moment it is hurting me to even think about it.

All those thoughts and hopes I talked about in very late 2014/very early 2015 just might shatter and be left to nothing. My year has definitely not been going the way it was planned. I can’t say it’s been worse, but nothing good I was hoping for happened either. And it’s been killing me the past few weeks.

I’m at that point in a relationship with someone (not a romantic relationship, but a relation with romantic feelings) where I’m thinking about the well being of that person 90% more than the well being of myself. I don’t want to think about me, I want to think about him and what’s best for him. I’m at that point where I’m realizing that everything I have experienced with this person, and all the love I feel for him and have felt throughout these past 3 years is enough for me to hold onto as a memory if the day should come I need to let go completely. And I feel like that day is approaching very fast.
I’m at that point where you love someone way too much to keep them for your own selfish reasons if staying isn’t doing any good for them and whereyou actually feel you could accept it, for the possible well being of that person.

He’s very far away from me and that distance means nothing to us, compared to how we feel in our hearts. Sadly, the distance means very much to our seperate lives that keep going seperate ways. It’s breaking my heart because it is not a black and white situation. Nor are we throwing in the towel at the first bump. The struggle’s have been going on for the past year and a half and it’s becoming extremely hard for him. Not because we are impatient or just don’t want to hurt anymore, but because it’s becoming impossible to maintain anything with the schedule’s he has that he by the way hates.

Nothing’s been said yet exclusively, but I feel it coming. It’s that feeling when you know, but you avoid actually saying it our loud. You delay the pain of saying it out loud. No decision has been made so far, but with any, I know that what I feel is strong enough to let myself be happy as long as he’s happy. Damn, that is so hard to say. It’s so hard to comprihend. Should a ”split up” happen, I know that it can’t in any way be better than where we are now, but we’re both thinking for the long run. Some things are just becoming neccessary and important but undoable with us still standing in this one spot. More for him than for me but it’s enough.

I cried every day the past week, thinking it over and over and if we’ll make a mistake by pulling the final straw. I don’t like to listen to things like ”There will always be another guy”, ”Life is trial and error”, ”Some things are just not meant to last”, ”Not all the people in your life are meant to stay”. No. I don’t want none of that from my friends.

I don’t know what I want to hear but it’s not that. That’s a crock off b/ icing on an already over-flowing cake. No one needs to hear that while going through it. I want to listen to sad songs I can relate too while I stuff vanilla ice cream down my throat and appreciate everything that has happened and that I got to experience something like I had, but still cry because that person meant too much. And I want hugs. That’s it.

Now I’ll go, before I start crying again. I would never wish a heart like mine upon someone, not in this state. It’s horrible. I wish that upon no one. The future that we hold is so unclear…

Waiting Is The Hardest Part

Anything worth having, is definitely worth waiting and fighting for.

And I’m not giving up on what I have fought and waited for such a long time.

The wait is a bitch, the loneliness is palpable, but the prize is unmeasurable. 

I needed the encouragement. Apologies for the absence, but life…

Rest In Peace Baby.

I’ve had too much to think and for the first time my mind didn’t drift apart in a sea of sad and depressing stories and possible outcoms in my life. Which are terrifying in any case. But that didn’t last too long…

If I could have one wish of life, I would wish to have a house, a patch of a warm mountain if possible, where I could keep all of the kitties and animals I would save and cherish and take care off. In my post a few weeks ago, I told you guys about a little kitten I found and saved from a trash can right outside my building. I cleaned him, I fed him from my arms, I took him to the vet every week, I gave him medicine, I played with him every day, I checked on him, cuddled with him, gave him lots of liquids and space and yet, he was still struggling for his little life throughout all this time…
He would have good days and then a couple bad where just couldn’t move and refused to eat. I would lay next to him for hours and tried to calm him down, he didn’t want to sleep.

My poor baby’s heart stopped. It just stopped. He didn’t eat anything he could choke on, I didn’t let him near the other cats because he was very weak and fragile and they like to play rough. I came back home and he was gone. My heart stopped and I started crying. I just don’t understand why. The vet we took him too kept saying that he’s struggling with some internal injuries and infections that can be cured. I really thought he was going to make it. He would be fine, he would eat very nicely and he would cuddle up with me and purr and all of a sudden he’d cringe and groan like he was hurting really bad.
Part of me knew that he might die but after a week, I really thought he would be okay.

I feel like I didn’t do something, I feel like it’s partly my fault. I think I did everything I could but maybe I could’ve done just a little bit more. Maybe it would make a difference. I don’t know, I feel awful.
After awhile I just laid on my bed and thought about him and how much I love my other cats and how much I would give to save every little poor animal that’s struggling for his life.
He was just  a little baby, he became my baby.

I don’t understand. Who left him in the garbage can in the first place? How can someone be so cold? You’re not throwing away a hankerchief or an old bottle of spoiled milk, you’re throwing out a little creature that isn’t able to take care of themselves. Just, why? I will never get it. There are other ways to do these kinds of things and maybe if you hadn’t left him in a garbage can that is so deep he can’t escape from it, he might have lived. It’s like they wanted him to die in there. What would’ve happened if I hadn’t found him and took him out? He was a baby…

This isn’t the first time something like this happened. I’ve attempted to save a lot of cats and have saved a lot. There were other cases where the darlings couldn’t survive, but it’s heart breaking every time for me. I hope that each and every one animal that is struggling finds a home or finds a way out, or at the very least, finds her way around my building and my windows, I’ll do whatever I can and they’ll find eternal shelter in my home and heart.

At least my baby isn’t struggling further. Rest in peace… ❤


Why Should You And Not I?

I am feeling very angry right now.

A friend has come to me asking for help and crying and the reason behind it made me furious. Not that it made my friend upset, but that something like that happened.
Think of this as a rant on my thoughts.

I’ve mentioned this before and it’s something I stand by. Get and will get angry at myself anytime in the future if I cross it myself.
I have nothing against positivity. I have nothing against positive thinking, surrounding yourself with positive people, turning over new leafs, looking at life with brighter eyes, making the best out of everything and moving on. I do not.
That’s great, that’s healthy, it makes things easier after awhile, it makes your heart and head lighter. It’s good. Go for it if you think you should, if you feel like you can, if you want to. I’ll spray petals of roses and all the flowers of the world on you on your journey to heaven.

But how can I explain this so people understand. It’s not always possible. It’s not always doable, it’s not always easy. Life does not get better for some and if it does, it does not get better at the same time for everyone and under the same circumstances and with the same regrets and consequences.

You may have moved on from a bad and heart breaking break up with a 3+ year boyfriend, grieved over him for a long time, blamed yourself, tortured your heart and soul and realized what an idiot he was. Slowly gain your confidence back and all of a sudden you don’t give a SHIT, you are worth everything, he is worth nothing. You are strong, you are beautiful and you find a new boyfriend.

But someone may have gone through abuse and torture in their family, from the side of their parents for years. Been called names, been physically and mentally abused. Left permamant scars with your self-respect, confidence, loyalty and anything you can imagine. People like that become anit-social for example, have no friends, imagine bullies. They grow up like that and realize as they are growing up that their parents weren’t right and find a way to get out, with terrible consequences. That person still loves their parents, their character damaged, confidence shot, they do not know who they are.

People react to things differently, that’s a fact.
Death of your grandmother can mean, “Oh well, she’s in a better place. She lived her life long” but to someone it’s like losing a mother. Maybe their grandmother was all they had. Maybe their grandmother raised them. Who knows. If you do not, you should keep your mouth shut.

I am so sick of people who go through depression, severe sadness if you don’t want to call it depression. There are people who think depression can’t be reached before and after a certain age which is bullocks. I am sick of people, even some of my closest friends, who have been through it, know what it’s like, what real struggle it is. It’s a dark place, filled negativity and no silver-lining.

You’ve been through it and once things started getting better which is marvelous, oh my goodness, so amazing, you forget everything you learned from it.
If you intend to tell anyone “Suicide? That’s the most pathetic, dumbest and the most selfish thing you can think off”- I would cut off someone’s mouth for this.

So far, the people I know who have said this never said that sentence and explained why they shouldn’t do it. No. People go on and say that with insults like stupid, idiot, ignorant.
Oh yeah, you’ve helped him a lot. You’ve named him names and just enhanced his negativity towards himself, making him feel even more upset and useless.

OR, they say the sentence and turn the tables around to them. “I’ve been through the same thing you know? And I wasn’t like YOU and look at me NOW!”. Yeah, make him/her wish to say to you “Yeah, look at you now. You’re an ass and you give zero sh*t for it because things are great for you FOR NOW. Well done.”. That’s what I would say ’cause I am sick of people like this.
I have no more patience for people like this. The ones who do utter the words in these *very obvious tones, can kindly move away from me and go live their brightened, happier, more matured lives. It seems to work for them, why not for me, in MY way. <– Sad truth. 

My mom once told me, they may be saying that in best off intentions. There’s no good intentions in there.
If you truly wished to help, you would sacrifice your golden time and patience to have a chatsy with that person and go into patient explaining why they are worthy and why they shouldn’t do it.
Personal preference, without using the line “You only live once”. Yuck.

Living is everything. Living is happiness, sadness, disappointment, surprises, everything.

I am becoming a bitter hag I must say, I’m sure whoever was so lovely to go through this blasted post till this sentence here can agree.
But I will not let, I refuse to let getting older, growing up and ”maturing” and moving on with your life, include anything I mentioned.

I agree, some people are worth your time, some are truly not but you don’t have to become one of those who are not in the process.