My last real post was way way way back in February, when it was the very beginning of the year 2015, now it’s December and it’s ending. Starting everything and never finishing a thing is one of my biggest character flaws that I have. I am way too ambitious in my mind, but I am way too lazy or get way too distracted with other things to finish anything. I need to watch that when I look for a partner in life, because he can’t have that same quality.
The week before this one, I got into contact with one of my very old friends I have known for five years now, once again after awhile of not talking. She has made a blog of her own on wordpress and it got me thinking and actually remembering I have my own blog. I know, that sounds so freaking terrible but this is quite possibly the most honest post I’ll post on here.
I felt terrible after the realization, for a few reasons.
It reminded me of my previously said flaw and it got me so angry at myself. Why did I start once again all over, and what’s worse, why did I leave such a great thing that was developing, everything was going great with the blog? I know why, but why did I even have to start if I wasn’t going to take it 100% serious. I’m so mad.
The bigger and more important reason (for me) is that this blog was almost a gift. In my very first post on this blog Fresh New Start I mention a name, a friend of mine, a very dear friend who actually made this blog come to life. As I said in the post, I was feeling so inspired, so ready, so on board, so passionate about writing again and he actually made the passion and happiness even greater. He actually paid for my theme on this blog, because my theme was not free. He paid a good chunk of money to make my blog what I wanted it to be and I feel like I, made a mockery of it. Not intentionally of course, but I feel like I even owe it to him to continue blogging.
That’s not entirely why I am writing this post. I am writing it because once again, I want to blog and I want to write. I have done so much writing the past 10 months, but I feel angry I didn’t use my blog to express myself like I wanted too. I have so much to share all of a sudden, but blogging should be done right. It should be taken seriously if you want to attract readers and make them stay and be interested in your content, which I did not fulfill in the last couple of months of my blogging time.
But I wasn’t doing what I originally thought I was going too. Around December 2014 and January 2015, my life got very complicated, messy and I didn’t know how to handle my own feelings about it all and what I should do. I think I mentioned it and wrote about it in a few blogposts, I can’t even remember anymore. I had to hide things from my life that I desperately wanted to share. That’s part of blogging, writing about your griefs, sorrows, sharing your happiness, your sadness, experiences, thoughts, giving tips, offering help and so many other things.
But I couldn’t share my own sadness. There were certain things I wasn’t comfortable the world reading and certain people couldn’t read certain content I would share. It would make things even more messy. I got caught up in drama and mistakes I made myself and it wasn’t sharable. It became frustrating, to have to think about what I am exactly saying word per word so that I don’t say saying I shouldn’t and to me, it wasn’t at all genuine. I felt bad. I felt it wasn’t fair to anyone who read my content. Be it the few people who visited my blog regularly or someone who just popped in to say hi.
I figured not blogging at all is easier, I just don’t have to deal with the pressure. But after awhile, it became horrible because taking a pause from my blog was taking a pause from WordPress itself. There were, and still are blogs I gladly read with a smile on my face, but I couldn’t keep up with their content anymore. I wasn’t checking in frequently enough. So even that phase of just checking and reading, just to feel in contact and in line with their lives and stories ended.
It may be horrible. It may be childish to anyone who reads this blogpost. I know It’s my fault, I know that I was frivolous with all of it but I feel bad.
I’m still in a place where I can’t share all parts of my life and I still don’t want to hide anything. I didn’t lie about a single thing in my blogposts, rather just never talked about it. I feel awful, and I want to continue blogging, but I don’t want to make any type of promise or even publish this blogpost saying that I will write, contionuously. I may break it.
I’m in a pickle. Starting where I left off would slightly be, distasteful, if I can express it that way. Starting all over again is out of the question.
What do I do?