I’m an over thinker and I realize this, I accept it, and so do people around me. The day that you, my fellow reader will be celebrating Christmas is in four days and New years is in 10 days. I’m not feeling the joy for either of them.
I don’t know what’s happening with me this year, I don’t know why so much cynicism and almost hate towards the holidays this year. I did not like 2015, I can most honestly say it has been the most sarcastic and uneventful year of my life and frankly, with the most shocks. In the shortest amount of time I got more shocking and heartbreaking news than in the past 3 years and it’s been constant stress over and over. I think the biggest shock of all was about two months ago, when I heard that my aunt found out she has breast cancer. The first in the family.
That was definitely a big frown upon my family. Luckily everything that was needed to know, was known in time and from that side, everything is okay, which is amazing. She’s going to be okay and she has to be okay. All of the odds are on her side.
But none the less, shocks like this and in a few other forms are enough to break ones spirit. I am spending New Years eve alone, depending on my dad’s work schedule. I want to say that doesn’t bother me because it’s almost my own fault.
I rejected my friend who invited me to celebrate with her, I rejected a few other people that have asked me because I don’t feel like celebrating. I don’t feel like being with people at all. I’m not saying I regret it all that much. If I wanted to have friends around I had more than enough options, but I don’t know. My sadness over being alone doesn’t overflow the uncomfortable, uneasy and dislike feeling of actually accepting and being with people.
I already see the upcoming year and it makes me cry, if that makes any sense to say. I am crying. I just want time to stop and let me be for awhile. I feel way too much pressure. If I honestly could move right now, be with the one man I love who’s far away and even stay at home all the time I would.
Next year brings even more pressure I truly, honestly don’t want to face, because I’m scared. I don’t want to finish this school year in July, because in September I’ll be a Senior. I’ll be turning 18 in April, which is the legal age of being an adult, I don’t want that. I don’t understand the fascination of growing up, unless you’re in perfect or amazing conditions. There’s more things I can’t mention that scare me by the thought and haunt me at night, so much I end up crying and regretting waking up. That day I wake up, I’m just another day closer to facing it all.
I know that’s a part of growing up and I know it’s supposed to be scary. Everyone goes through it, but damn, that doesn’t make it easier. Sometimes I feel like It’s a bigger problem in my head than what I am projecting to anyone else. Like it’s worse for me in my head than everybody thinks.
I didn’t mean for this post to end so sadly. I was going to end it with a positive message to leave all your negative energy and have a good time at the holidays, because these only happen once a year. But my thoughts drifted I guess.
I hope there’s someone who can tell me what I could do to put my mind at ease, because my hair’s fallin’ out from this stress.
How are you guys spending Christmas and New Years eve? I truly hope with a lot of joy and happiness. Happy Monday to you all!