Being Alone On New Year’s

It’s not that sad of a thought as you’d think. I mean it is sad, it’s a special occasion. Actually holiday. Ocassions are like birthdays and all that. But l was alone on New Year’s last year as well. Though that didn’t end well. It ended in me crying so that’s not the best example. I guess it is a sad thing, isn’t it?

But, that’s what you get when you have a douchey scheduled working father like I. For ages he has been working for Christmas and New Years. Very rarely is he free and physically with me. Maybe twice, the year before the last and sometimes, years and years ago. About two to three times in maybe 7 years. I really don’t want to do the math. You’d think that saddens me. That fact that I’m not with my dad on a special holiday like that but that’s not it. I mean it does, it used to sting so bad when I was younger. What bother’s me most of the time is that if I’m not with him, for the past 4 years, I have nowhere else to go.

It’s a 6 year ”tradition” that I spend Christmas with my mother no matter what my dad has planned for both holidays, but she and I never spend New Years together. Simply because, till about 4 years ago, I always spent it with my aunt and little sister who’s one year younger than me and it would be a party. Many people would come that we have known our entire lives. It’s mostly our brother’s friends. We have a very big ‘family’. When life got rough for them in so many ways, parties were not acceptable and not affortable. Throughout that time mom would spend New Years with my grandma, her mom who she lives with, and they’d go to their senior parties and shannagons. Don’t let the sounding of it fool you, they had a blast every time.

But then my mom found a man, her current boyfriend and like so, she is spending yet another year with him. Which is great to be honest, I wouldn’t want to attend either way. That’s just awkward. It’s a romantic holiday for couples. Anyway, my mind’s stirring.

This post is turning out a lot more freely and chill than I expected. I was first doom and gloom about the whole thing but I’ll make the best of it. Seems like I’ll be spending New Year’s eve alone in my house. But that’s okay, i’ll make it a good time.

I say that now and let’s bet I’ll fall asleep right before midnight. Oh my goodness, I hate firecrackers. I just remembered I won’t be able to sleep from those. One of the curses of living in the center of the city, where everyone likes to be and where there are most people during the entire day. Mew. I’m scared of them. It’s not natural for things to blow up. Plus it’s dangerous. And it’s not fun.

Fireworks! Now there’s a thing that’s amusing when it blows. And they are safe, far away from you. They’re different colors and can form different shapes in the air. Now that’s a party!

Anyways, I hope you guys are going to have a lot more fun and exciting night on the 31st than me. Tomorrow winter break is starting for me and ending on the 20th of January. I am so freaking excited! I’ll have time to read a book!

Have a good one!

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I’m Grateful For Her

It is currently noon and I just had breakfast. I wanted to say it was a late breakfast but counting down the past weekends and years, it’s really not. But anyhow, it was late considering I woke up at nine and stayed in bed till basically half past eleven. I was talking with my mom throughout all this time, about everything that was on my mind this morning. It’s always so refreshing and wonderful.

It was supposed to be a cuddling session. She cuddled up in bed beside me and I randomly started thinking in flashbacks. Our conversations drift from one subject to another in the most spontaneous way. We mentioned 10 different aspects of our thinking and 10 different examples, yet we’re still on track with what we want to say.
I asked “Mom?”, “Yeah?”, “Elvis Presley died from over doze of drugs right”, “Yes?”, “Would I die instantly if I took the same amount he had at his last breath right now, because I’ve never tried it?”, “Probably, yeah.”.

Why was I asking myself this question, I am not entirely sure. I think I was calculating in my mind what kind of death that must be. Is it fast, painful, slow, in hallucinations and are those people even aware that they’re dying if it’s slow? I came to the conclusion it is fast or a person just doesn’t know it happened. They fall asleep and never get up. Their heart stops, they run cold.
But goodness, I did not start this blog post to talk about death. Nor am I planning any of this. Let me get back to my point.

A conversation that started on the topics of drugs, we drifted to a topic of life. Everything regarding people, their insecurities and how do we end up in the bad times like we do, life, characters and the injustice that exists in the world.
As mom would say, I inherited the same ‘curse’ she has. She has an extremely open mind, it stretches in all directions and she tries to rationalize & understand everything. The world is not black and white for us, there’s fifty shades of gray.

It’s a curse because you don’t find people similar to you very easily. And it’s a rough and bumpy ride to experiment who is and who isn’t. So since not many people can grasp all our thoughts or even understand them, your thoughts are pretty much left to yourself. Me and my mom prefer that sometimes. We don’t feel the need to spat on and on about our opinions to everyone and share ”our wisdom”. If we have sometimes to say, if we think we should, we’ll say it. If there’s no reason, why when ignorance is inevitable and there’s no point in arguing with a unreasonable person.

I finally told her everything that was on my mind and I told her about me becoming cynical. Why I look down on too confident people, why do inspirational happy life related quotes anger me, why I feel like they generalize the entire world, and why I am so easy to dismiss someone out of my life.  As always, she was an amazing listener and an even better responder. As always, she understood me and we started finishing each other’s sentences. She saw deeper meaning in my words and she truly understood what I was saying and what’s even better, she agreed. She and I are completely the same.

I won’t get into the conclusions and all that’s been confirmed in my head, but I will say I am feeling like the luckiest 16 year old in the world. I truly have an amazing mother that I don’t know what I’d do without.
We’ve done this thousands of times but each makes me feel peaceful and like a weight has been lifted. Each makes me feel grateful I have her the way she is.
She’s always been patient with me and what matters absolutely most to me is, not only has she taught me {and herself in the process} too be open with her and not fear her judgment, she kept that promise. I truly can talk to her about Anything, I mean anything. Even the craziest, most embarrassing things you could ask a parent, I have asked her. {with boundaries around everything of course, I know my lines. She is the parent after all}.

People get so freaked out when I tell them about my relationship with my mom. Us two, are completely free and crazy. We have made some ridiculously funny memories and almost all of them are due to our mutual stupidity and silliness. And she says I am the only one she can be that freely with. She’s my mom and my best friend.

No family is perfect, and ours certainly isn’t but us two, we’re pretty damn close as a team. I don’t do grateful posts and I realize not everyone can have a good relationship with their parents due to various reasons, I myself with my father. For years and I’m still struggling.
Exactly why I am grateful to have my mom. She’s my safety net and my biggest push. A beautiful woman with a beautiful heart.