I’ll Think of A Title Later.

I didn’t title this blog post just yet, ’cause I don’t know where I’m going with it. Do I ever? It makes me feel so guilty. It’s so awful. Am I offering blog posts on a serious website or am I keeping an online diary. There’s nothing wrong with an online diary, but it’s not what I am ever going for.

I finally head on over to the doctors, I made an appointment and guess what? It was a seriously bad flu, that so very conveniently happened to merge with a pattern of very bad eating and sleeping habits. Incredibly happy to say I am feeling a lot better, given the fact I have had fevers the past few days of my absence. They are the absolute worst. There’s no sore throat or rainy nose or a few back and headaches that can be as bad as when you have a fever, combined with the three.
Makes you feel helpless and almost hopeless.

All of that is gone, except for a few sneezes here and there. I am still 100% convinced it’s some allergic reaction to a spec of Something that’s obviously constantly in my presence. My doctor said it could just be coincidental frequent irritation of my nostrils, but you don’t have frequent irritations 2 months in a row.

Even though I was feeling sick and very weak, I didn’t want to sleep through the entire time I basically had free. I wanted to manage it wisely and use it. I have kept very busy, cleaning, organizing over and over, house work, studying as much as I could. Just keeping my hands and mind busy. For me, they were really the first and second days of school, so there’s not much to study, but I wanted to keep up with my resolutions for 2015 and always be on track with my school work. Just simple re-reading through your daily lessons works a bunch. So that’s what I did.

It was very hard, because frequently I have had serious writer’s block. If you can even call it that.
Actually no you can’t. Writer’s block is something different than from what I was experiencing. It’s not that I couldn’t think of things to write, I didn’t feel like writing. My motivation and inspiration for writing comes and goes according to my mood. I have to be in a neutral mood and everything above that scale in order to be able to write my thoughts down.

I know that’s bad, because writing should be a way for someone to release everything that’s going on in their mind and eventually feel better, because they feel they’ve shared it with someone.
But the more frequent the saddens/pain becomes, the harder it is to sit down, write and share it. After awhile, it becomes pointless and you feel like you’re re-writing the same thing over and over. Very few words are left. Eventually, you lose the will to write anything that’s on your mind when you’re experiencing the sadness. Nothing feels genuine. At least that’s how my mind works. If I were to have a meaningful end to it, a smart advice I could give to anyone reading in need of help, I may have written down and published it. But instead, I settled for a couple of sentences in my last blog post, and a quote I related most too.

And of course, there’s always that conscious doubt in the mind that I think appears in the mind of almost every blogger once they write down a long personal text that’s about to be shared on the internet. Sometimes those texts end up in the draft folder anyway.

And yes, you guessed it. Since I am writing this post that is reaching a long level, I do quite feel neutral. If not satisfied. Almost happy.

I’m gonna leave what I wrote alone. If I scroll up and re-read everything, I’ll start questioning every sentence. I feel like I owe someone an apology, I really feel discouraged. I need to step up, work more and devote a lot more time into what I write. I used to write my posts exclusively in a notebook first, work out all of the bugs, and then basically copy paste onto WordPress. It worked then, seemed like a good technique for me. I got to take my time and think about every sentence which seems like a waste of time, but it’s who I am. I’m very self-conscious.

Don’t do that guys! Don’t be like me. Your work is as good as anyone else’s! As long as you enjoy what you’re doing and feel good about what you’re writing, just click Publish and enjoy your fellow blogger’s posts. Enjoy WordPress because there are some amazing people here. I would give shout out’s right here, but let’s save that.

Hey that can be a post. Cling! Devote an entire post about a few bloggers I really love? That would be nice and fun. Yeah. I know there are a few.

Have a good one guys! I hope you have a wonderful day/afternoon/evening.

Bullying: A Symptom of Greater Problems

Internet has made it possible and so much easier to ruin lives of innocent people, in so many ways. I would really like to hear what do the people who were involved in the discrimination and bullying of Amanda Todd have to say. What does it feel like to be a part and cause of the ruins of a young girl’s life, that didn’t deserve nothing but a little help and advice.

I Don’t Know What’s Going On With My Body But Something Is.

I don’t like to get too personal in blogposts…. I didn’t think when I wrote that, I can’t remember if I wrote a super personal blogpost before but I believe not. Anyway, I really don’t but I can’t help think that this post will have to get personal. Maybe not. Why? Because I don’t know what the hell is going on with my body and my metabolism and my head. Honestly.

I am not trying to be dramatic in any way possible, but that’s what I sound like in my head due to fiercly fast typing.
I’m one of those people who never go to the doctors. Ever. Ever. Ever. Especially for emergencies. But emergencies in my book are real emergencies. I can’t walk or talk or see.
I’m one of those people who will see difficulties appearing and everyone else that notices, ”I’m fine!”. But give me a break. I’m never ever sick. My whole life I have been healthy as a horse. If I would get flu’s or cold’s, they would last for 2 too 3 days MAX. And even that it’s twice a year. I would go to the doctors so briefly that when they would check my files, they’d go ”Oh wow, you haven’t visited in 3 years”.

But now I’ve reached a point where I don’t want to go to the doctors, but I’m secretly hoping each day I miss I don’t die.

I’m making this sound so serious, like I’m having my skin peal off each day more and more and I’m puking after every meal. No. But something IS wrong and something is changing.

For about two months now, I have been sneezing dry sneeze’s. If that makes sense. I’m perfectly fine (i really am) but I keep sneezing and coughing. This could be an allergic reaction to something but I can’t figure out what it is since it happens randomly in random places.

My back is hurting a lot more and my bones all together. Now, not agonising pain but for someone who’s literally never had any problems, you notice the tinniest details. My back hurt as soon as I sit somewhere for too long in one position (talking like 20 minutes), my knees hurt a lot more, my elbow’s, my fingers.
I actually fucked my elbow up by hitting it on something really bad. A wound is on the actual bone. It hurts from change of weather, believe it or not. It would be fine for six months, and then suddenly it would have this massive pain as soon as I tried to support myself by laying on it. In the bus, I wouldn’t be able to lift my arm and put my elbow on the window edges. It would hurt. Why am I going on about this? But this is very dangerous. Knees are just as, if not more tricky when damaged. It’s a lifelong damage.

I have had conjuctivitis for so long now. I can’t get over this flipping infection. It made me cry today because I am not used to feeling ill and feeling ill makes me feel weak and almost hopeless. I have it right now and if I showed you guys my left eye, you would cringe. Not because it’s ugly or too infected, it looks sad. I look like one of those sad sick puppies. No matter what I do I look like I’m crying, like I’m tired, or like I’m SICK.

My throat is hurting insanely bad. It hurts when I swallow, when I drink, when I eat, even when I sneeze. And that actually appeared today. Not long ago. At first I thought it was because my dad is a fierce smoker and seriously, his room- lay on his bed and everything STINKS of cigars. It’s disgusting. I am not a smoker so this obviously BOTHERS me. It hurts my nose sometimes but even when we ventilalated? it still didn’t go away.

I have stomach and head aches far too often and I am often very cold, even though no one around me is.

Now, after going these few things, I know what you’re thinking: GO GET CHECKED OUT. I know that sitting here writing about some symptoms isn’t going to help me but

I really want to say that it’s because I am scared of the answer, but If I’m being honest, My ego’s telling me it’s nothing and it’ll pass. But my brain doesn’t agree. Which one do I listen too.

It’s getting so frustrating, especially with this eye infection. I’m going to the Pharmacy tomorrow to pick up ANOTHER medicine that might help which is stronger. This eye infection DOES scare me. First of all, eye’s are insanely sensitive, insanely important and insanely damage-friendly. It doesn’t help me at all I wear glasses and often eye infections can loosen eye sight and I really don’t need that.

I know, I know, I’m gonna go to the doctors, if not tomorrow. I’m gonna explain to her what’s been happening, even though I am terrified of the response. You know what’s the crazy part? It could be nothing. Plus I am kind off pissed off at my regular doctor. She was kind of a bitch when it came to approving my absent days in school. But, I’ll get over it.

But I am a pessimistic optimist, so I have a list of things that my head is imagining these symptoms mean. You don’t want to know those, you’ll roll your eyes. And see, my back is hurting like hell right now.

Please Greater Force, let 2015 be a healthy year. Health is what comes first for me. Everything else will come on it’s own.


Really Eyes? Again?

Well here’s a crappy thought four days before my Christmas. I have flipping conjunctivitis again. My eyes are supposed to be solid steal or something. They need to be immune to these bullcakes. But if you could already guess, I most likely won’t be up for much writing. I am barely looking through my eyes right now, since I don’t have eye drops this time. This time, we heard ointment -is that the right phrase for a medicine – is better, but it basically blinds you for the next hour and a half, up to forty minutes. It’s so freaking annoying. Thankfully, because it’s stronger and it does prevent clear eye sight for awhile, it’s recommended to be used only at night and night it is.

Even outside the medicine, eyes that constantly itch and slightly burn from the rubbing get super blood shot and worn out. It makes you very sleepy simply because your eyes are tired.

So yeah, that happened. Hopefully it’ll be gone by Sunday.

You all have a good one guys!

Analyzing My Life.

I completely realize how serious my title sounds like, but I have no other way to call it. The past few days, I just really wanted to step back and look at myself and my daily routines and future wishes, hopes and dreams. What things I do, how do I do those things, when do I do them and what should be changed. Obviously, I complied a list which isn’t the happiest thought.

I mentioned before that I am very excited for 2015 open it’s doors finally and I can start the year off well. Assuming everything until then goes as planned. That would be such a bummer wouldn’t it, if things didn’t go as planned. I mean, there’s only two and a half weeks left. If something so big can occur, stick a fork in me. Life, keep your shit together for that long. I’m not asking for much. I’ll make it work afterwards.

I am young. I haven’t even started living properly yet, but I am scared of my future. I’m at the point where I’m both scared and excited. I feel like 2015 will bring great things and great joy to my life and great people that will keep my outlooks positive. And I know,as soon as I say that it all goes down the crapper. I am still not at the point of thinking where I’m gonna be after highschool, much less in the long run. I am honestly occupied in getting the smaller things in place. And I mean the really small things.

I have bad habits, I’m lazy and pretty much messy and unorganized. It’s embarassing to admit but there I went. As aformentioned, I am young but I am not going to be getting any younger.  I am old enough to take care of myself in quite a few aspects and take responsiblity for a lot of things. That I do. I have my priorities straight and what comes first and what is right and what is wrong. When to do certain things and when not to do them. Taking responsiblity for my actions. I have all of that in the deepest depths of my mind, somewhere in one of the thousands locked drawers I unlock when I need it. Of course, with a lot of space for improvement and more knowledge.

People around me inspire me to tweek these things, more frequently and more successfuly. I am very observant and I see inspiration in the really really small, almost insignificant things. Like, the way someone holds their pen and writes their words. It’s crazy, but I notice it. And if I like it? Everytime I’ll be writing something, I’ll be thinking how to work that into my own handwriting and motion. It’s pretty ridicilous and sometimes time consuming but I enjoy it.

Kalel has been my, I don’t wanna say inspiration in the past few months, but my, erm, my push, my strive for constant work and my safety net, not to quit. I sound so serious. Like I’m dealing with these enormous problems in my life and I have no idea where to start. Haha, no I promise you it’s not like that. I just want to get all of my thoughts out. Everything that I have written down I feel like needs to be in here as well.

She’s a very, I wanna say unique type of person. At least to me, because I haven’t ”met” many people like her in my life or came across. She’s a big perfectionist and she’s always up for change and each change has to be perfect, or it doesn’t work. I have met perfectionists in my life but her packet, all together I feel like is unique. She has some very nice qualities I admire and a few life routines that I want to pick up on. I’m going with baby steps that’ll seem ridicilous for you guys but in truth, I’ve never been motivated to do anything in my life until about two years ago. It’s the childhood that I had, never left me curious about anything and I had no support behind me.

Don’t laugh at me:

  • Wearing slippers all of the time. In my house, of course. I’m sure that almost every kid, or every parent struggled with making their children wear socks or slippers around the house when it’s cold. My floor is always freezing. Heat comes from feet and up. If your feet are cold, you’ll most likely be cold all over.
    I found a loop hole that works for me. Since I truly hate slippers, they are so inconvenient for me, I bought me these:

    They are SO warm and SO comfortable and they’re always on my feet. Problem solved. It’s a habitation thing.
  • Being more organized. I mentioned in my New Years resolutions post, I need to do this. I really love the idea of writing my to do list for each day, writing down my ideas, getting the habits of making my bed every single morning, arranging my closet etc. Just getting my home, or the parts I use of it together and always organized and in place. I hate being messy, and you’d think that the little space I have would make it easier for me to clean but no. It makes my brain lazier, thinking it’ll always seem stocked up and unorganized. That’ll be changed, mark my words!
  • Eating healthier! I can’t stress how important  this is to me. It’s not even about figure wise. Sure, it has effect on it, my figure and weight can always be better but I feel like I am ruining my body on the inside. Or at least ruined it to a great extent.
    I said that I will stop drinking coke, done it and failed after 3 weeks. I stopped again and I have slips. I DON’T WANNA DO THAT. I don’t want to eat junk food, I don’t want to eat non-cooked food ALL OF THE FLIPPING time. I don’t want to. My father and my lifestyle are difficult for that case, because we do not have that custom. Ever since my mom moved out, we eat whenever, whatever. And it’s mostly either fruit or junk food. I get enough fruit in my body, that I am proud off. Fruits and vegetables, but even that amount can’t over come everything bad I do in the mean time.
    It’s so unhealthy and I hate it. I am using my fast metabolism to the bone, sucking the life out of it and it’ll give up on me. I feel it. That’s why I need routines! I need rules in my life.

    A list in front of me and a stick behind me. 

  • Stop leaving dishes and left over foods everywhere. This is so embarassing. Why am I even adding this. This will bring nothing but eye rolles on that little immature kid who blogs.
    But I do this a lot. I take one glass out, use it, leave it when I’m done. I want another drink, I get another glass, use it, leave it when I’m done. I get a plate, eat my food, leave it on the side of my desk. I eat chips, leave the bag on the side of my desk. And the list goes on…
    It’s such a childish thing and I’m getting better at it by the day.

I realized this is way too long so I’m going to split this! There will be a sequel to this list. There’s a few more things that I need to change and that I need to list. A few, more significant and important things. And just a heads up, to get effecient and not slack on my duties, I already made a list of everything and taped it on my bedroom wall, so I’m reminded every single day.
See, organization.

Now all I need to do is keep going. That’s the hard part.

Rest In Peace Baby.

I’ve had too much to think and for the first time my mind didn’t drift apart in a sea of sad and depressing stories and possible outcoms in my life. Which are terrifying in any case. But that didn’t last too long…

If I could have one wish of life, I would wish to have a house, a patch of a warm mountain if possible, where I could keep all of the kitties and animals I would save and cherish and take care off. In my post a few weeks ago, I told you guys about a little kitten I found and saved from a trash can right outside my building. I cleaned him, I fed him from my arms, I took him to the vet every week, I gave him medicine, I played with him every day, I checked on him, cuddled with him, gave him lots of liquids and space and yet, he was still struggling for his little life throughout all this time…
He would have good days and then a couple bad where just couldn’t move and refused to eat. I would lay next to him for hours and tried to calm him down, he didn’t want to sleep.

My poor baby’s heart stopped. It just stopped. He didn’t eat anything he could choke on, I didn’t let him near the other cats because he was very weak and fragile and they like to play rough. I came back home and he was gone. My heart stopped and I started crying. I just don’t understand why. The vet we took him too kept saying that he’s struggling with some internal injuries and infections that can be cured. I really thought he was going to make it. He would be fine, he would eat very nicely and he would cuddle up with me and purr and all of a sudden he’d cringe and groan like he was hurting really bad.
Part of me knew that he might die but after a week, I really thought he would be okay.

I feel like I didn’t do something, I feel like it’s partly my fault. I think I did everything I could but maybe I could’ve done just a little bit more. Maybe it would make a difference. I don’t know, I feel awful.
After awhile I just laid on my bed and thought about him and how much I love my other cats and how much I would give to save every little poor animal that’s struggling for his life.
He was just  a little baby, he became my baby.

I don’t understand. Who left him in the garbage can in the first place? How can someone be so cold? You’re not throwing away a hankerchief or an old bottle of spoiled milk, you’re throwing out a little creature that isn’t able to take care of themselves. Just, why? I will never get it. There are other ways to do these kinds of things and maybe if you hadn’t left him in a garbage can that is so deep he can’t escape from it, he might have lived. It’s like they wanted him to die in there. What would’ve happened if I hadn’t found him and took him out? He was a baby…

This isn’t the first time something like this happened. I’ve attempted to save a lot of cats and have saved a lot. There were other cases where the darlings couldn’t survive, but it’s heart breaking every time for me. I hope that each and every one animal that is struggling finds a home or finds a way out, or at the very least, finds her way around my building and my windows, I’ll do whatever I can and they’ll find eternal shelter in my home and heart.

At least my baby isn’t struggling further. Rest in peace… ❤


Damn It.

Here I am, with my update.
This will be very putrid and poor blogpost so feel free to click out of it anytime.

The title pretty much describes my past week.
You know how when you’re sick and you can’t breathe through your nose, due to it being clocked up and because of that can barely smell? It has been proven that without the ability to smell your food, you will not know what you’re eating if you are blind-folded. I have never tried this out but I have seen many shows and commercials and videos on YouTube testing it out and it’s apparently  true.
I’ve come to the realization that just as much as you need your nose for various important things, your eyes are just (if even more) important. I say this because I was barely able to use my eyes the past week (and a half).

I saved a kitty 9 days ago. It was a male kitty that apparently society calls a runt? I’m not sure why it’s labeled like that. Because it was left out? Or… like the 13th pig? If you know that documentary.
I don’t get it. It was left in the flipping garbage can along with the family’s garbage. I was just about to throw my bag of trash in it when I heard desperate meowing. I didn’t realize it was coming from the garbage can itself so I browsed around for ten minutes. I realized when I threw my trash into the can and the meowing stopped. My heart stopped as well, I thought I killed the poor thing.
Thankfully I didn’t! I rummaged through the garbage can and can you imagine a poor kitty looking up, like he was opened to the gates of heaven.

He wasn’t feisty at all, he nuzzled into me with great acceptance.
Naturally he was very sick and weak. I could feel his bones when I would touch him and he had a very weak meow. He was exhausted. And yes, he’s a boy, that’s why I am referring to him as a he.
Needless to say he stayed with me. My dad was against it at first because we already have cats and no matter how much we love them, financing so much food and veterinarian care get’s expensive.

Through all this joy and of course fright for the little guy’s life, I didn’t ”find the time” to blog much. I am generally infatuated by cats, even though I’ve had over 100 in my lifetime (literally). They get to me every time and I get so caught up that I watch them sleep and after awhile fall asleep next to them.
Little did I know he had some mild eye infection that isn’t easy to see from animals unless by a vet’s eyes.

I got the eye infection, touching him, touching my face, eventually touching my eyes. Now It’s nothing serious, mind you.
The infection started maybe 6 days ago and for the first 3 days I thought it was nothing. You know how eyes can easily get irritated by dust, hair or anything really. Mine started to itch the first day and I scrubbed it off as nothing. It’ll pass by tomorrow.
Tomorrow they itched again, more frequently during the day. Again, nothing, I didn’t find it valuable enough to check it.
The third day, when I woke up, it itched so bad that I couldn’t see from constant need to scratch it. The more I scratched, the more it stung and eventually stated to hurt.
It wasn’t anything but redness and pure itch. Constant, (un)bearable, blinding itch.

It was a case of conjunctivitis and I’m still curing it. It’s not anything serious. It’s actually VERY common. All ages get it and it’s very easy to get. I’m sure you’ve heard a million times to wash your hands as soon as you walk through your door after being out. Well that’s good advise because conjunctivitis can even occur if a person with conjunctivitis had scratched their eyes fiercely and held on to a bus pole, you took that pole, hugged it with your hand and touched/scratched your eyes.
It doesn’t have to happen but it’s possible.
It was very hard keeping up with it. I’m not saying I saw darkness in front of me the entire time or that I couldn’t walk. But because of the infection my eyes we’re always under pressure and they were tired. It made me very sleepy more often, I felt like a zombie. We definitely need everything nature has given us and we have it for a reason.
I was NOWHERE near a blind person and God forbid that I am ever or anyone in the world, but just not being able to use my eyes for a tiny portion of what I’m used to terrified me.

Honestly, experienced people will say, “You can’t get conjunctivitis from animals and vise versa” and I thought so too. But the cat was “diagnosed” with it too so, I’m just guessing. Who knows.  It MIGHT have been a crazy coincidence that I got it in some other form and me and the cat just happen to meet at the appropriate time. I do not know.

It’s really nothing dangerous if taken care off on time.
The infection starts off as basically fierce itching but because it IS an infection, as any, it can spread and grow. It CAN, if not medicated and treated ’cause even blindness (serious cases but I don’t think anyone would go on with such rashes on their EYES and not check it after a week max) or impaired vision. 
It doesn’t have deadly outcomes but do you really need anything else from damaging your eyes. Especially if you wear glasses, damn it! >.<

I’m happy to say my eyes are great now, it only took two days and today is the sixth and my eyes are nice. I’m happy about that!

I hope you guys had a great Halloween yesterday!
My doctor’s appointment wasn’t in regards to my eye problem. My mom is a bit of a hypochondriac so she made me go to the dermatologist to check some beauty marks she found rather odd.
… They were in perfect shape, but my mom… Eh.

I love you guys. Have a great day!
Wash your hands, take care of your health. It’s where it all starts from! ❤ 🙂