Let’s Jump To 2017, Please

I’m an over thinker and I realize this, I accept it, and so do people around me. The day that you, my fellow reader will be celebrating Christmas is in four days and New years is in 10 days. I’m not feeling the joy for either of them.

I don’t know what’s happening with me this year, I don’t know why so much cynicism and almost hate towards the holidays this year. I did not like 2015, I can most honestly say it has been the most sarcastic and uneventful  year of my life and frankly, with the most shocks. In the shortest amount of time I got more shocking and heartbreaking news than in the past 3 years and it’s been constant stress over and over. I think the biggest shock of all was about two months ago, when I heard that my aunt found out she has breast cancer. The first in the family.
That was definitely a big frown upon my family. Luckily everything that was needed to know, was known in time and from that side, everything is okay, which is amazing. She’s going to be okay and she has to be okay. All of the odds are on her side.

But none the less, shocks like this and in a few other forms are enough to break ones spirit. I am spending New Years eve alone, depending on my dad’s work schedule. I want to say that doesn’t bother me because it’s almost my own fault.

I rejected my friend who invited me to celebrate with her, I rejected a few other people that have asked me because I don’t feel like celebrating. I don’t feel like being with people at all. I’m not saying I regret it all that much. If I wanted to have friends around I had more than enough options, but I don’t know. My sadness over being alone doesn’t overflow the uncomfortable, uneasy and dislike feeling of actually accepting and being with people.

I already see the upcoming year and it makes me cry, if that makes any sense to say. I am crying. I just want time to stop and let me be for awhile. I feel way too much pressure. If I honestly could move right now, be with the one man I love who’s far away and  even stay at home all the time I would.

Next year brings even more pressure I truly, honestly don’t want to face, because I’m scared. I don’t want to finish this school year in July, because in September I’ll be a Senior. I’ll be turning 18 in April, which is the legal age of being an adult, I don’t want that. I don’t understand the fascination of growing up, unless you’re in perfect or amazing conditions. There’s more things I can’t mention that scare me by the thought and haunt me at night, so much I end up crying and regretting waking up. That day I wake up, I’m just another day closer to facing it all.

I know that’s a part of growing up and I know it’s supposed to be scary. Everyone goes through it, but damn, that doesn’t make it easier. Sometimes I feel like It’s a bigger problem in my head than what I am projecting to anyone else. Like it’s worse for me in my head than everybody thinks.

I didn’t mean for this post to end so sadly. I was going to end it with a positive message to leave all your negative energy and have a good time at the holidays, because these only happen once a year. But my thoughts drifted I guess.

I hope there’s someone who can tell me what I could do to put my mind at ease, because my hair’s fallin’ out from this stress.

How are you guys spending Christmas and New Years eve? I truly hope with a lot of joy and happiness. Happy Monday to you all!


People Change

I am sitting here deciphering what I should do with the rest of my day. School finished very early, like two hours ago but I was a twit and wasted my time away on, I don’t even know what. I looked at the stars, in the middle of the day.
I am thinking, should I call one of my my best friends, M, and tell her that I finally have free time, a free weekend and meet up with her, or go to her place. I know that would be one of her suggestions. I know a normal person with a simple brain wouldn’t think twice about it and go for it, it’s always fun to hang out with friends. But naturally, my mind drifted further from that.

Why is it that most of the time, Middle school and Junior High friends don’t count? I mean not that they don’t count, but why does every grown up I meet tell me that High School friends are the friends that may stay as you get older, even after it’s finished. Why? Why do we drift apart?
Why. Because people find new people, new envirement, new priorities, just over all change.

I understand that people just grow apart, I understand that concept. Nothing special has to happen or drastic between two people for them to just not glue together anymore. But why do people have to change themselves when a change of envirement occurs? I don’t change. At least I think I don’t. I feel like I didn’t. Have I changed? Now there’s food for thought. I’m gonna ask my K and M for their opinions.
Maybe in the slightest shades but I didn’t change who I am, how I dress, how I talk, how I think, most importantly.

I think it all comes from training your brain. Honestly. We are taught by our parents the most important basic things. How to act in public, to say good day, good evening, to be polite in someone else’s house, not to talk while your mouth is full, especially in company. Manners. But throughout Middle school and after you are also taught, some by words, some by experience and some by the two combined, that you should not be easily influenced. I hate that concept. Influence, in ways I think are negative. We all go through various friendship phases and at least 20 BFF’s are changed throughout school until you find your match.
And each phase is maybe a lesson, what to do, what not to do. We also make our own mistakes.

One of those things has to be, you should not be influenced by other people to do things you are not comfortable doing just because they are new, popular, trendy and most importantly, because everyone does it. **(I think I may have ranted on a little bit in the blog post. I just want to add that this is the main point of the blog post. I am not talking about pure change as it is, change is actually healthy. There is no way you can stay the same forever. And yes, I know confidence follows up with this. Some people are just too insecure about not fitting in and that’s fine as well. Make a mistkake, once or twice, we all do and we all learn. But if you do learn, you’ll see there is abslutely no one better than you yourself. 
Don’t compare yourself with other’s and make the change according to them. That’s what I am saying)***
For sure. Every class has a popular train and someone in the class secretly wishes they were on it.

I don’t see the point in those types of changes. It might be ignorant of me to state that. I do understand change, but not because someone told you your way of doing something isn’t right because it’s not very common. Let’s add- among teenagers.
I may be a bit different on that part though. I have experienced some things in my ”younger youth” that not everyone has and I started growing up in my mind a bit faster. It worked a little faster than other’s.

If you managed to form an opinion about something, if you found your character by the slightest, you should not break it. In my opinion. I don’t change the way I talk, even though everyone around me talks differently. I don’t pick up the ‘slang’. Or walk differently, or state things I don’t believe in just to communicate better in a group of people talking around me. I refuse too. I at least can control it. If I see someone doing it, I don’t feel the need to do it myself. I talk and dress the way I talk and dress.
I know many people say that High School is the time of a teenager’s life where they just start growing and finding out who they really are and how they want to act. But I don’t think that’s true in some ways.

Most people start smoking for instance in high school. That’s not a part of you as a person. You either do it because you want to, but why would you actually want to unless it’s because of mental influence by friends. You know, you look at everyone doing it and you feel left out or something. Or you are actually influenced by words that you should do it and that you’re un cool for refusing to smoke. I don’t believe that people start smoking because they want to relieve stress. That’s just stupid. If anything, it enhances the stress after awhile.

I’m not aiming so much that my best friends made these kind of changes, I’m aiming that they have changed. M more, in some ways I have mentioned. Which is okay, but it is a change due to her invirement and people around her. She doesn’t mind it yet, nor do I but you can see how it escalated to this post.

Even if you want to change, it should be in your own time, your own pace, spontaneous.
You wake up and you decide to have a tattoo, that’s absolutely okay. That’s a personal choice. But you should never think less of yourself because you don’t do things everyone else does.
If you feel strongly about something that you do, or something that you don’t do, you have your reason for doing or not doing it. Stand by it.
If you learned something new and  compromised, that’s amazing.

But don’t let other’s change your mind for you. High school or a certain age do not guarantee anything. :/