We are lionhearts

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Having the childhood I have had and having dealt with all the things I have ever since I was 5 years old, there’s a few people in my life that are irreplaceable for the spots in my heart as someone who’s stood by me even when I thought of giving up on myself.

My mother and my very best friend Kristina. They both mean the absolute world to me and I don’t say that just because my mom is my mom and I’m ”supposed” to love her and know she is always beside me. Nothing is guaranteed and her support shouldn’t be taken for granted. As something that’s obviously supposed to be there. She didn’t have to be the mother and best friend she is today. She didn’t have to go into such depths with me, to understand me completely and truly see the world from my point of view just so she can give me one advice. She didn’t have to do anything, she did all of it because yeah she loved me, on that front a  mother has no choice, but a mother who is your biggest support and best friend and safest mirror is a gift everyone lucky enough to have should cherish.

My best friend suffered through a lot with me. I don’t mean emotionally, at least I hope she didn’t. I hope I never hurt her enough to make her suffer for anything. I mean she did a lot of things for me no other friend would. She listened to me for hours and hours and hours on end just so I get all of the puzzles from my head and try to sort them out, many times over the same time like no other friend would. She has always had something to say, always been careful with what she says to me to not accidentally hurt me or offend me or make me feel unwanted or abandoned. She always had an answer. I am 100% aware that there must’ve been times when she was desperate and didn’t know what else to say to me because I had drained all of the words out of her and brainwashed her thoughts, but she always kept going.
And so did my mom.

Their approval, opinion and advice means everything to me. I feel weird doing something my best friend or mom don’t approve off. But even then, they’re still so wonderful to tell me that I shouldn’t worry, because even if I am making the wrong choice they’ll stand by me through it and support me when it fails if it does. That gives me strength and confidence.

Many times I often just tell them what I will do or am planning to do, but in any case they stand by me. I always know their opinion, good or bad, especially my mom’s, but sometimes it stirs me the right way, and I am thankful each time.

Many don’t have a shoulder or ear to turn too and maybe receive help when they’re unsure if they’re doing the right thing or not. I am mature enough to realize how happy I actually am, because of them.

I have not been the best daughter, or the best friend I wish I could’ve been to Kristina, but she’s still mine. Funny how love works isn’t it?

At the same time they are my strength, my shield, my armor, my handkerchiefs, my insides, I am theirs as well.
Through every storm, who’s ever it is, we are lion hearts and we walk together through the storm, and I think my mom and Kristina are the only two hands I feel safe holding. I like to believe I am theirs as well.
My mom has told me more than once that sometimes I am the only one she can turn too, as well as my best friend, and I value that. It’s a wonderful feeling knowing that someone feels the same way about me as I do for them, because I know just how much I love them both.

If they tell me it’s okay, if they tell me I’m doing the right thing, I have peace and serenity in my heart, because I know that even if we are all wrong and it’s not the right choice, nothing changes.

I wish this upon every single one of you. I hope you all have that special someone in your life who’s always been there for you.

But not just that. Not just someone who’s always been there for you, I wish you all have that person who you love so much and who you know will always love you, and who will always BE there for you. To be confident that you’re not losing this person anytime soon.

What inspired this post is this particular song:
Lionhearts by Demi Lovato

I listen to this song and imagine a rough and stormy road in front of me and me facing my troubles that come along the way, and the only two people I see walking with me or supporting me from the side is them two.
And as long as I know they’re behind me, I’m marching to the beat of the storm and we walk together into the light.

I try to tell my mom and Kristina as much as I can how much I would be completely lost without them, but I think deep down in their hearts they know. But they deserve to hear it.

If you have anyone in your life you value or love, show them love and never take them for granted. Realize what you have and learn to value whatever good or positive they bring into your life. Every little thing counts and every little thing matters.

If someone’s not there for you for the silliest and littlest things, bet your dollar they won’t show up for the big hardships.

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I’m Grateful For Her

It is currently noon and I just had breakfast. I wanted to say it was a late breakfast but counting down the past weekends and years, it’s really not. But anyhow, it was late considering I woke up at nine and stayed in bed till basically half past eleven. I was talking with my mom throughout all this time, about everything that was on my mind this morning. It’s always so refreshing and wonderful.

It was supposed to be a cuddling session. She cuddled up in bed beside me and I randomly started thinking in flashbacks. Our conversations drift from one subject to another in the most spontaneous way. We mentioned 10 different aspects of our thinking and 10 different examples, yet we’re still on track with what we want to say.
I asked “Mom?”, “Yeah?”, “Elvis Presley died from over doze of drugs right”, “Yes?”, “Would I die instantly if I took the same amount he had at his last breath right now, because I’ve never tried it?”, “Probably, yeah.”.

Why was I asking myself this question, I am not entirely sure. I think I was calculating in my mind what kind of death that must be. Is it fast, painful, slow, in hallucinations and are those people even aware that they’re dying if it’s slow? I came to the conclusion it is fast or a person just doesn’t know it happened. They fall asleep and never get up. Their heart stops, they run cold.
But goodness, I did not start this blog post to talk about death. Nor am I planning any of this. Let me get back to my point.

A conversation that started on the topics of drugs, we drifted to a topic of life. Everything regarding people, their insecurities and how do we end up in the bad times like we do, life, characters and the injustice that exists in the world.
As mom would say, I inherited the same ‘curse’ she has. She has an extremely open mind, it stretches in all directions and she tries to rationalize & understand everything. The world is not black and white for us, there’s fifty shades of gray.

It’s a curse because you don’t find people similar to you very easily. And it’s a rough and bumpy ride to experiment who is and who isn’t. So since not many people can grasp all our thoughts or even understand them, your thoughts are pretty much left to yourself. Me and my mom prefer that sometimes. We don’t feel the need to spat on and on about our opinions to everyone and share ”our wisdom”. If we have sometimes to say, if we think we should, we’ll say it. If there’s no reason, why when ignorance is inevitable and there’s no point in arguing with a unreasonable person.

I finally told her everything that was on my mind and I told her about me becoming cynical. Why I look down on too confident people, why do inspirational happy life related quotes anger me, why I feel like they generalize the entire world, and why I am so easy to dismiss someone out of my life.  As always, she was an amazing listener and an even better responder. As always, she understood me and we started finishing each other’s sentences. She saw deeper meaning in my words and she truly understood what I was saying and what’s even better, she agreed. She and I are completely the same.

I won’t get into the conclusions and all that’s been confirmed in my head, but I will say I am feeling like the luckiest 16 year old in the world. I truly have an amazing mother that I don’t know what I’d do without.
We’ve done this thousands of times but each makes me feel peaceful and like a weight has been lifted. Each makes me feel grateful I have her the way she is.
She’s always been patient with me and what matters absolutely most to me is, not only has she taught me {and herself in the process} too be open with her and not fear her judgment, she kept that promise. I truly can talk to her about Anything, I mean anything. Even the craziest, most embarrassing things you could ask a parent, I have asked her. {with boundaries around everything of course, I know my lines. She is the parent after all}.

People get so freaked out when I tell them about my relationship with my mom. Us two, are completely free and crazy. We have made some ridiculously funny memories and almost all of them are due to our mutual stupidity and silliness. And she says I am the only one she can be that freely with. She’s my mom and my best friend.

No family is perfect, and ours certainly isn’t but us two, we’re pretty damn close as a team. I don’t do grateful posts and I realize not everyone can have a good relationship with their parents due to various reasons, I myself with my father. For years and I’m still struggling.
Exactly why I am grateful to have my mom. She’s my safety net and my biggest push. A beautiful woman with a beautiful heart.