A Realization And A Confession.

It’ll be long, I’m so sorry. But try.

I wanna share something with you guys. A flaw of mine that doesn’t truly show unless I speak out on it. Now bear with me that I am awfully bad at explaining what I am feeling. Probably shouldn’t have started a blog with that being an itch, but what are you gonna do. I still like to try.

People change and that’s, for the most part a good thing. We can’t stay the same forever. And people change their mind about certain people, certain things, certain views, certain choices, what is right and what is wrong. 

People dislike other people. (No kidding.) We feel annoyed with some individuals, they don’t suit us and we don’t like them in our presence and therefore, we are bound to immediately dislike something that they have done or said, even though we don’t necessarily speak out against it when it’s done by another person’s hand. Come on, we all do this at least with one person in our life. 
We don’t care if what they said or did is completely fine or innocent, the fact that it’s that person, it’s just annoying as hell. 

People like other people. (Wow. Ground breaking stuff here.) Be it your normal average neighbor or your female/male celebrity idol. We learn from them, we look up to them, we respect them, we like them as a person, we applaud them because they most likely have a similar character or an opinion to ours and we like it and every nice thing you can think off.

People who above all want and value justice.  

Now combine these three. Try to combine these three emotions and one factoid and address it to one person, and please come up with a name for the new made emotion you are feeling. Because I don’t know what it is.

Let me make this a little bit clearer if I can. I have this, I’m guessing it’s a flaw of mine. It’s not a sign of maturity or immaturity, it’s how I am and how I’ve always been. I like to think I am a righteous person. I definitely hate and despise injustice in any shape of form. In many cases it’s invincible but if it’s vincible, I would love to conquer.
I’ll give a really basic and teenager-like example (but it stands for every bit of injustice you can think off);
You have the courage to open your mouth and judge that girl that is known to be promiscuous and a little bit more outgoing, friendly and camera-friendly on Facebook, you leave hate comments saying how it’s distasteful and judge every decision she’s ever made and interfere in her life that you know 5% about. Okay. 

You do something that you thought was going to be fun, and it ended up having a lot of hate, like the IceBucket Challenge that so many people used and abused. Even though the cause got a lot of publicity from it, but nonetheless. It got a lot of hate and you decide to post a status with the following: 
”When are people gonna stop meddling into other people’s lives?! Leave me alone and grow up, mind your own business. I do what I want, and you shouldn’t care! Grow up and mature up, it’s MY LIFE”. 

You don’t say? Now you’re smart and mature enough to realize everybody lives their own lives and makes their own decisions. Sometimes bad, sometimes good, but you do it. When it’s you, damn. But when it’s her, what?
What she is doing is REALLY distasteful, unlike you? Why do you care? ”You shouldn’t care, grow up and mature up, it’s HER LIFE”. No?

I think you get the point. But this is where my confession and realization comes in. This is where my post “Calm the F down with your confidence” comes in.

While I ”live” for justice, I live disliking overcompensated confidence and proudness, but as well as unnecessary hate towards people and their appearance and decisions. In my case, this is oh so more complicated and messy than it really is.

I gave up on trying to explain exactly how I am feeling, so let me try to show you through another example

This is where I get nervous.
I used to love Taylor Swift. (doesn’t have to be famous) I thought she was beautiful, talented and just over all good and nice. Like many celebrities, they all need to change, grow and mature, they’re human beings just like us. They do it in their own pace and that’s fine.
She changed and for the most part, I didn’t like it. To me, Taylor Swift is way too too too. Everything she does, in my eyes it looks so, pretentious. I think it has something to do with my previous post. To me, she is someone that can’t take a joke, she looks as if she is way too proud and every look of her’s, I get the vibe that she is looking everyone from above. To me, her ‘niceness’ is definitely overcompensating for something. I ended up disliking her very much.

That covers first, people change. 

While I do dislike her and yet I am a strong believer in the ability to keep your mouth shut even though you don’t like something on someone. But because it’s her and because I feel this way about her, everything she says and does- even though Selena Gomez could say and do the exact same thing I would be fine with it- something about it is covered up. That’s how I feel at least. And because she does annoy me and irritate me, I get that hypocritical urge and just splat out what I am saying even though I know it’s completely immature and irrational because it doesn’t have to be anything.

BUT! Even disliking the person, a comment such as “She’s fat ugly and stupid, she gained a little weight and now looks hideous”, will make me defend her. The comment is universally bad and would be mean to be said to anyone.

That’s disliking people.

The line between hate and love is thin. It goes from hate to love and love to hate. Like in so many cases, pretentious confidence usually get’s shattered when something heart breaking happens. I think Selena Gomez passed this very stage, with and after Justin. At that point, this very selfish side of me is almost glad because I proved my point that was in my head. And I’m happy about it for a second. Usually this is where people make changes and suddenly sympathize with everything and everyone. (This’ll never happen with Taylor I bet you everything). That annoys me at times but if I like it and if I agree with it, I have no problem standing up for it.

This is bad. To me, this is not a very good thing. Then, because this someone made this tiny transition that I AGREE with I have this click in my mind to defend this person if someone else feel’s like offending the transition.

Are you starting to see what I mean? Big respect if you’ve made it this far.
Now that I have wrote it like this, I feel hopeful that many other people go through this, but rarely who actually writes it down or admits it. It’s rather selfish, yet caring and considerate at the same time.

I don’t like someone for something that I think is a good reason, and something shatters that segment, it’s almost like they’ve learned their lesson and now I’m fine with it and only now can I defend that person. She seems a bit brighter in my eyes and only then can I give honest respect for something they do, even if it means bouncing back a little bit.

Am I making this out to be a bigger ”issue” than it is? It’s just interesting and it’s been on my mind. I’m nervous to actually hit PUBLISH but everyone has bugs in their undies. Right?

9 thoughts on “A Realization And A Confession.

  1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Like what brittabottle wrote, people are confusing and contradictory and just plain complicated. But that’s what makes us human, whether we like it or not. Good post.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. 1) This is a real, honest, and raw post. I think it’s incredibly refreshing when people come out with what’s really on their mind; people don’t do it enough.

    2) People are confusing. People don’t make sense. I think it’s incredibly hard to NOT be a hypocrite in this world. People have such high standards for people, I think because people want to believe life is simple and straightforward. It’s not though, and I think everyone is hypocritical to some extent–whether they want to admit it or not.

    3) I completely understand where you’re coming from and I bet many other people do too. Some people just rub me the wrong way. I have a couple people that I can think of right now. It’s not that they’re bad people, we just don’t click and I honestly think they’re kind of annoying. Sometimes, a certain change might be best for an individual but it might not be best for the relationship you have with them.

    What you’re saying here is important. It’s recognizing that we’re human and that we can’t always explain our thoughts and feelings, we might not necessarily even like that we have those thoughts and feelings, but they are just there. That’s something not many people are willing to acknowledge.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, your comment took a big load off my heart. I honestly felt pressure trying to publish this because as you said, It’s very real.

      You’re completely right about the entire world being hypocritical. I have a personal problem with that because 90% of my time, I try not to be but it happens.

      Your comment removed a big needle poking my brain.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I think what’s important is that you just said you try not to be a hypocrite. There are many people who don’t even give hypocrisy a second thought. It’s hard not to be one sometimes, but at least you are aware of it try not to be. I think we too often place successes over best-efforts in this society, which makes people super hard on themselves.

        I’m glad I could make you feel a little better about this, Marija. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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