You’ve Gotta Be Kitten Me

Take a deep breath Mar Mar. You have no idea what’s going on inside your head, but you’re gonna be fine. You’ll be fine. Everything’s going to be alright. Tomorrow is a new day and you have all the time in the world to re-live this hell all over again. W/o!

I’m having one of those regretful bad days. Those days where you lose half your day doing nothing and the rest of is in bitterness. Then the night comes when you should fall asleep and you ask yourself where the hell did your day go. Why did I waste this day? This day wasn’t meant to be wasted. All I can really do is sleep and wait for tomorrow. I’m still feeling gloomy and doleful. A little blue. I need someone to feel red, so we can make purple.

Why am I like this. Why am I one of those people who, when I do have a semi-reason to feel bad, if it get’s to me, there is absolutely no way anyone can cheer me up unless I make the effort myself which is a pain in the reer. In the moment of feeling angry and bitter, no one thinks about feeling better. You just think about how you’d like to smash something or dig deeper into those thoughts. I can’t focus on other things.
Like okay, I’m angry about this but there’s another side to the story. I should be happy about that and concentrate on that and forget what I was mad about in the first place. I can’t do that. It takes such a long time for me. Even if I am fine by default, I can’t just LET IT GO and move on.
It’s a flaw and it makes things so difficult for the people around me. It’s not at all easy to handle me sometimes.

Right now, my stomach is still flipping turning even though I realize I am being unfair to Michael. But It’s just me, I’m like that. And trying to force me to feel better, just moving on with the subject? Oh hell no. Then it’s full two days, at least.

IT’S BAD, i know It’s bad but it takes way too much effort to change it. I get frustrated and eventually start to cry because my mind is very much aware, but my heart says no, I’m not folding. Even now, I’m getting frustrated with myself cause I don’t want to be like this. I want to feel relaxed and talk to Michael nicely if we even get to talking tonight. I want to be able to lovingly thank him for being so understanding and patient with me, without the twirls in my stomach from it being quite insincere at that exact moment.

I guess what you’re supposed to do is get a notebook and write down all the positive things you can think off that happened throughout your day, even though it seems like a bad one to you when you sum it up. I don’t like these mind tests at all, but if I were to do this it would be my cat.
It’s amazing how she feels when I’m upset and knows exactly when to come to snuggle and does it perfectly.

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She hugged me, literally hugged me. If it were a video, you’d see her pawing her hand further to grab more of me.
It’s like hugging another human. Only one that’s a lot smaller. And harrier.

But even still. To me, this was just a crap day and I feel like I’m going to mess it up even more very soon, if possible. Or I’m just gonna go to bed and wait for someone to make me laugh at school tomorrow. It’s just, It’s such a waste you know? Either way, I hope you guys had a good day.
Toddles.

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