Day 19: Your Biggest Regret In Life

Eh, a subject where most people look at me and either say ”Aw that’s so sad…”, or look at me with a poker face and say, ”Are you serious? You’re just a teenager, don’t dramatize it” and honestly, it sucks to hear. Mostly from older fellow people. Partially, you are right. I am a teenager but that also means that exactly because of that, I don’t have ”so many” years behind me. I mean, I have 16, but 6 of them actually matter in bigger aspects. But even so, it was hard for me As That teenager. I can’t say that my biggest regret is not going to college, or selling my car, or not accepting a once in a lifetime job opportunity or buying an apartment or not getting married to the right man and you get the point.

But anywho, I just needed to say that, makes me feel lighter about talking about it.
But so, when I first started writing this, I thought I would talk about the time my parents got divorced and me moving back in with my father. For many years, that Was my biggest regret because he and I were not in good relations and have not been for years. But, I guess you could say in the last 2 years maybe, I got older and things kind of ”fell into place” and things are neutral. I guess time heals everything no? So I wouldn’t say that anymore. I still live with my dad and it’s 6 years of their divorce. Not gonna lie, the first 3 we’re hell for me and left concequenes. The 4th year was a cautious year, you know, watching my footsteps all around. 5th year was a breakthrough, but ANYWAY.

Why am I still talking about this. Ah! I need to censor myself.

So, my biggest regret would have to be; Letting a girl into my life. It was my fault and my naiveness and my, ugh. It happened in 2012, when I was in a wonderful relationship with someone, I said I will not mention his name. Hehe. But I was. I think that just by mentioning, ”a girl” and ”boyfriend”, you can guess what happened? But no, he didn’t cheat on me.
It was stupid of me to even let her into my life and not suspect a thing, since this girl was connected with a few other people I did not trust or respect at that time.
I don’t know where was my naive brain when I let her talk to him or myself and fall for her lies. She even used pictures of some famous blogger who had closed down their blog.
And I wouldn’t even know that if a friend, Patrick at that time didn’t check the pictures up on google. I wouldn’t even know and when I scolded her for it, she was like, ”Oh, so you’ve been spying on me?”. Like, WHAT IN HELL?
Ugh, it aggravates me till this day and yet, still, my naive brain didnt stop it at time. What she did and the things she lied about, left serious consequences with my trust and VERY SADLY, with my boyfriend. And mind you, this was all online. I know it’s a common thing to be fooled with and I know, that’s why sites like Facebook or any site is never truly safe.

Ultimately, it’s not my biggest regret because she hurt me – I’m honestly over that part. I am not hurt by the things she lied about and the things she said and what the group she had with her said and did. I don’t care anymore. What makes me cry till this day is the fact she messed with my head and emotions so much that I couldn’t trust my boyfriend for a long time and made me hurt him. That’s what I regret most of all because let me tell you, letting my ego get the best of me was what ended that relationship.
I blame myself for it and feel horrible.

You know that saying, or quote or line,  ”You don’t know what you had until you’ve lost it”? That’s one of those things. I let my go consume me and I basically put him through guilt trips and did, god, just things that I am now afraid of repeating. The saddest part of it all was, I was sure I was right, that I had justifications for my actions, until the day he as well said ”No. Done.”. At that moment, book, realization, nothing that happened, nothing that was said ever truly mattered!! All the things I attacked him for, all the STUPID FU*KING SH*T I did and said we’re coming back in flashes and it was… It’s something I cry over right now. It was all done unconciously I promise you.
I would do anything to take it back, or do anything to make it right.

One of my biggest fears because of that now, is taking someone for granted and everything they do and everything they say. To let myself feel like someone is going to stay and have to stay for whatever they did, just because they said they loved me. They don’t. I contributed to that relationship and that love and I made everything worse and I made him feel horrible almost every day and I didn’t give anything back.

So, yeah… Definitely that. I haven’t forgiven myself because I still haven’t made up for it and It’s something I always look back too. I don’t want that again. I don’t want to repeat that mistake.
People say it’s not in making the mistake, but it’s learning from it? Oh, I learned. I learned.

8 thoughts on “Day 19: Your Biggest Regret In Life

  1. I wanted to “unlike”..
    Very well written, I can really feel your regret through those words.. Very strong of you to talk about it ❤

    Like

  2. You may be a teenager, but you are not drama-tising. I’ve seen a lot of stories similar to yours on a reality show called “Catfish” although not as bad. It all about people who got fooled over the internet.
    This regret of being unfair to your boyfriend will haunt you for quite a while. Maybe you can try talking to him and trying to make things up, although this wouldnt really be my advice to you. I believe that when it’s over it’s over.
    I’m not minimizing your pain, but I just want to tell you that you’re 16 which means that you have a life ahead of you. You will meet someone who will love you deeply and you will have the privilege of knowing very well that nothing should be taking for granted. This lesson you’ve learned might hurt as hell, but it will make you a much better person.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh, that it will haunt for quite awhile, you are right. This break up happened a tiny bit over a year ago, A YEAR and I cried while writing this post.
      I am still in contact with this person and of course have been for the past year, because, the love isn’t gone.
      I’ve been told that I was forgiven and that it isn’t my fault for all of it, which helps, but doesn’t convince me. And thank you. I hope so too.

      Like

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